Editorial

After quite some time of sitting with the idea, I have finally decided to hang up my hat as Editor of The Knowing Field. The next issue in January 2023 will be my last. I am aware of a mixture of feelings about my decision, but it feels right. 

It is not yet clear to me whether the journal simply needs to lay down its head or whether there is someone out there ready to pick up the baton and take the next step. Please contact me if you think you might be interested in this idea. It is a lot of hard work but the rewards are immense. There is such a richness of articles accumulated over the years that for the time being at least, I will keep the website open so people can continue to gain access to what’s there.

The cover image for this issue is designed to somehow convey the two paths ahead as my own personal path and that of the journal, as we go our different ways. Parting is indeed sweet sorrow.

So, to return to this issue, my first foray into finding something from Bert landed me on this piece about forgetting the dead and how they are generally more at peace when we do – after a time of grieving of course. Is it time for Bert too to be forgotten? Increasingly, new people coming into the field of constellations hear only stories of him, variable in their relating. I still remember him saying he didn’t want anything in writing because it would become dogma. In fact, I think this is actually written by Hunter Beaumont in the foreword of Love’s Hidden Symmetry. Ironically, Hellinger published more than 30 books with combined sales of one million copies in at least ten languages.

Even as he and his wise words are remembered, new directions in the work are taking place. Annelieke Verkerk brings the first article under our recently introduced heading of Working with the Collective. In it she describes the painful effects of polarisation, using the recently divisive event of vaccination against Covid-19 and through a constellation discovers underneath the vulnerability and fragility of life and an accompanying sadness. From it also come some possibilities for moving through the divide. 

Next in this section is Nikki Mackay with her article on ‘Those who left and the left behind’ and she elucidates the deep pain involved on both sides with a constellation on the current troubles in Ukraine.

We have several articles in this issue on oppression. First of these, Veronica Bañuelos Miramontes describes under the History of Nations section the current plight of BIPOC (Black indigenous and people of colour) and the pain of not being met. She challenges us all to meet BIPOC in their pain, to stay present to their trauma and to become allies for them in their struggles to be fully seen and heard. This is an area within the constellations field, which still has a long way to go in terms of those of us who are white, fully facing the history of colonialism and how it is perpetuated currently in society. 

Also coming under the theme of oppression, Nikki Mackay returns again in this section to address the past and present experience of women being voiceless in the wider field and the wounds involved in the struggle to be heard, plus the fear of speaking out. Interestingly, I am reminded of a sentence from a book I read recently on the emergence of women into their power and how within that movement, the plight of black women was overlooked. How hard it is when we ourselves belong to an oppressed group to, at the same time, be inclusive of other such groups. 

We have a new development in this issue with Irmgard Rosa Maria Rauscher introducing Yoni Constellations and the importance for us as women in valuing the parts of our female body from which life first sprang and finding our power in that.

She too, describes the past oppression of women in their sexuality and the wounds for the feminine that emerged from that.

Simone Perazzoli and José Pedro de Santana Neto have generously offered us their research project into increased understanding of constellations. They acknowledge the input from other researchers and with the breadth of approaches within the field, what a complex and challenging initiative it is to undertake. Nonetheless, they make a thorough and valiant attempt at bringing greater understanding to the field, through the introduction of General Systems Theory and Mental Model Theory.

Under Personal Reflections, we have two inputs from Josh Alexander and Karen Carnabucci on the topic of LGBTQI, each coming from their own perspective. In reading both, it is easy to feel the pain on both sides and how important it is to be able to listen and learn from our painful experiences and at the same time to bring into the field more people from this much maligned and neglected section of society, so we can become more open. Bertold Ulsamer helps with this by courageously writing a book on his own journey with this issue and his acknowledgement of his vulnerability and lack of exposure to the subject. Francesca Mason Boring beautifully describes this in her review of the book.

Marine Sélénée’s extract from Connected Fates, Separate Destinies, Chapter 5 challenges us to say ‘Yes’, to our partners, to our partner’s family and to ourselves exactly as we are and to our own destiny. She sees this as the way forward for each of us if we are to find true inner peace.

Finally, we have some really beautiful poems from our regular contributor Angus Landman, from Rafael Ruiz Mandal and newcomer Michal Golan.

We are finally emerging from turbulent and difficult times over the past few years. Let’s hope the future holds more positive and health-giving gifts for each of us. It can be helpful in such times to remind ourselves of all the people and things we have to be grateful for. Gratitude is a wonderful feeling.

My thanks as always to all contributors, advertisers, ‘Friends’, my graphic designer, Lubosh Cech, and editorial assistants Abi Eva and Francesca Mason Boring.

Barbara Morgan
Editor

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Thoughts of Peace

Peace to the dead

Bert Hellinger

Most of the dead are at peace, and any concerns about them and any thoughts of them disturb their peace. They are beyond our world.

I have an image of life. Life is an interlude between what was before and what will be afterwards. Therefore the unborn and the accomplished are equally taken care of. If someone wants to get in touch with them, for instance because he or she wants to put something in order with them because he or she feels guilty towards them, the dead do not understand it.

But we also experience that some of the dead still have their effect on the present. They are not at peace yet. Sometimes they attach themselves to the living and draw them into death. These dead need help. It seems these dead do not realise that they are dead. They are still seeking nourishment from the living and suck them dry. To engage with them and give in to them is dangerous.

How can we escape them? We escape them in our pure existence. In their present, we dissolve as it were, into pure relating, so that nothing is left of us that they could attach themselves to. In this pure relating one is fully permeable, one looks away from them towards a mysterious dark, and then remains collected in its presence. This has the effect that the dead are also turning there, away from the living. We allow them to dissolve there, into something that Richard Wagner calls: Blissful primordial forgetting.

Where does peace begin? Where memory ends. The deepest longing in everything is the entering of this forgetting.

I went out on a limb here. What I am speaking of here is only to get a sense of which movements are possible and what effects they have in our soul and in the souls of others.

What is the worst for the dead? Remembering them. Not in the beginning, memory is still alive then. But dying is apparently a process of gradual release of oneself. This process, the process of releasing, should not be opposed. For instance, through memory.

The biography of a deceased interferes in this process. Every accusation, every complaint, every extended grief, interferes in this process.

A little while ago I opened a book to read something about the crusades. Suddenly I became aware that if I read on, I would get in the way of the peace between the perpetrators and the victims. Then I closed the book. 

Forgetting is an aspect of the highest love.

Who among the dead fare best? Which ones have completed their dying and have eternal peace? Those whom we allow to be forgotten.

We can also imagine how it would be for us if we die and are remembered, or if we die and are forgotten. Where is the accomplishment?

After some time all the dead must be given the right to be forgotten.

Sometimes there is still something in the way. They expect of us that we respect them, that we perhaps still thank them and still grieve for them. Only then are they free from us and we from them.

(Taken from The Churches & their God. Hellinger Publications, 2013)

Photo: Broken tombstone, Murano island cemetery, Italy. artbyluce.com

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Working With the Collective

Beyond Right and Wrong: A Societal Constellation on Polarisation

Annelieke Verkerk

Introduction 

In society and in the public debate we are witnessing a growing tendency towards Polarisation. Vaccination, climate change, migration, racial issues and other political topics stir up strong emotional currents and give rise to heated debates and actions. Increasingly, these rifts run close to home and create divisions between brothers and sisters, in families and longstanding friendships. A friend who lives in the United States shared that at this time he cannot discuss politics, racial issues, climate change or vaccinations any more with his immediate family. During lockdown that meant playing lots of card games to avoid venturing into ‘dangerous territory’. 

Recently I explored this polarisation tendency with a group of colleagues educated in systemic work, through setting up a Societal Constellation. A Societal Constellation is a way to make visible issues, dynamics and relationships in a societal field with the use of representatives. The process of constellating involves representatives bringing in relevant elements pertaining to the societal issue at hand. During the process representatives share what they experience. 

What in particular motivated us, was the need to gain more insight into underlying themes and motives and find openings for more constructive conversations and ways of being. In this article I will paint a picture of how the actual Societal Constellation transpired, and highlight some insights that may have wider implications and open up new pathways.  

We chose to constellate the societal theme of Polarisation in the context of the current vaccination debate and trusted that wider implications of the polarisation phenomenon as such would also reveal themselves in the process. As virtually everyone in our group identified with aspects of this theme, we decided to experiment with collectively holding the topic without assigning it to a specific case-giver. 

The actual constellation

Upfront we identify Polarisation, those who are Pro-vaccine, those who are Anti-vaccine, those who are Indifferent and Money as elements to constellate, and acknowledge the option of bringing in other relevant elements as the constellation unfolds.

As Polarisation takes her place in the middle of the field, she initially feels very ungrounded and is looking for something to get her teeth into.

Money holds a broad overview and wants to dominate the field. 

The Indifferent have a constricted throat and do not want to be seen, as being noticed feels very unsafe to them. They take position behind Polarisation. 

Pro-vaccine shares being motivated by pure health concerns and feels charged and strong in taking a stand. 

What becomes visible is a trauma field, where Polarisation displays a fight response, the Indifferent embody a flight response, and then the constellation freezes as initially nobody feels called to represent or bring in the Anti-vaccine element. 

In the meantime a finch has flown into the room of one of the participants. It is quite a tender and vulnerable image, seeing this bird quietly settling in her hand. After a while another participant feels called to represent the Vulnerability of Life. 

That breaks the constellation open: the Indifferent want to surrender to Vulnerability of Life, Pro-vaccine wants to really protect Vulnerability of Life, and Anti-vaccine now feels completely settled with Vulnerability of Life in the field. 

Vulnerability of Life expresses that it is important that the voice of Anti-vaccine is also heard. 

Pro-vaccine realises that, even though his motives feel pure, in helping he can also inadvertently cause hurt and overwhelm. 

Money feels humbled.

And Polarisation expresses that experiencing the sadness in the field finally opens her ears so she can hear. This seems to be an important systemic sentence: “Sadness opens my ears so I can hear.”

Now the finch finally flies away into the sky and the person who held it feels called to represent a Portal, a doorway that opens into a bigger space. 

Initially Polarisation thought that she was also contributing to the future. Now she realises that only together with Vulnerability of Life can she pass back and forth through the Portal, in and out of that bigger space, with expanded awareness – experiencing the polarities in the here and now and moving beyond the pro and anti. And as Portal points out: that is actually easier than you think.

Reflections and insights

The constellation reminded me of a line by Rumi: “Beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing there is a field. I will meet you there.” 

When I looked up the poem in ‘The essential Rumi’ as translated by Coleman Barks, I was blown away by the analogy of what we had just experienced:

“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,
there is a field. I’ll meet you there.
When the soul lies down in that grass,
the world is too full to talk about.
Ideas, language, even the phrase “each other”
doesn’t make any sense.
The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you.
Don’t go back to sleep.
You must ask for what you really want.
Don’t go back to sleep.
People are going back and forth across the doorsill
where the two worlds touch.
The door is round and open.
Don’t go back to sleep.”

Indeed two entrances into the same field.

Connecting with the vulnerability and fragility of life and the underlying sadness seems to be an important opening to being able to transcend the polarity of right and wrong and move conversations to a plane where people can see and hear each other again. 

What would be the effect if we were to be more intentional about really meeting each other, seeing each other’s humanness and finding ways to keep conversations going?

Learning to be with others in a ‘here and now’ that encompasses past, present and future. 

Holding both poles in the conversation – the black and the white – and learning to see and savour the rainbow of colours, flavours and possibilities in between, that have been present all along.

Practising and cultivating deep listening, beyond the words.

Exhibiting genuine interest and asking questions. 

And connecting from our ‘shared humanity’, that heart-opening ‘next-level’ paradigm that unites and transcends, “consciously going back and forth across the doorsill where the two worlds touch.”

As Rumi said: “The door is round and open. Don’t go back to sleep.”

Annelieke Verkerk is a leadership, team and organisational coach and facilitator with a background in Systemic Work and Human Potential Development in The Netherlands. She has a Master’s Degree in Public & Private Law at the University of Groningen and 15 years experience with the Dutch government in staff and high-level leadership positions. She also has 18+ years of experience and education in consultancy, coaching, facilitation, teaching and mentoring. 

Her work is currently focused on: Team & Organisational Coaching and Consulting; Systemic Constellation on Environmental & Societal Issues; Conscious, Embodied & Regenerative Leadership; Systemic Work and Public Speaking. She loves dancing, also with the paradoxes of life.  

anneliekeverkerk@gmail.com
https://www.linkedin.com/in/anneliekeverkerk

Working With the Collective

Those who left and the Left Behind: A Liminal Space

Nikki Mackay

Those who left are also left behind, and those left behind have also left. The pain of this entanglement, and the wounds inflicted by it, pass from generation to generation; morphing, growing, and mutating with each iteration. It encompasses migration trauma, war trauma, and the fracturing of families. It is bound up with the fragility of safety, love, hopes, and dreams – the fragility of life itself. 

Those who left are also left behind, as part of their heart stays with who and what they have left behind – those they love, their home, the life and dreams that they have lived and tended. And those left behind have also left because part of them goes with those who have left and part of them goes to the memory of ‘what was’ in this place that they now find themselves.

It is an immense pain, a ragged wound that splits souls and hearts open. It can define families, communities, countries – it can define a generation. The lost youth of WWI, those boys and men who left and are also left behind. Bodies in the ground in the battlefields and hearts left at home with the world that once was. The mothers, fathers, siblings, lovers, grandparents left behind and who also left their present, to have their hearts travel with those they have lost and into that past that existed before the ripping apart.

It is the moment for many when peace dies, when safety dies – and for some, when their beliefs and their relationship with God dies. Belonging and sense of place is also lost when grief cannot be formed and given a place. So often the grief cannot be given a place because of the very vastness of what is lost between the separate but inextricably linked those who left and the left behind. 

The seeing and not seeing of pain and trauma, the actual cost of seeing and sitting with the pain and the ungrieved grief, is immense. It is in this space that the fears of our ancestors collapse into our own – the remembering of our ancestors’ pain and ungrieved grief in our own present grief and pain. It is exhausting this weight of seeing and not seeing. 

The images of war-torn Ukraine, the women and children being pressed on to trains, kissing goodbye to their partners, brothers, sons. The seeing of these scenes and the unfolding conflict collapses us into the past. Parts of us can begin to view the present through our ancestors’ past.

Many times in constellation sessions I have used the phrase: “This isn’t then,” to separate out the past from the present story or experience. It is harder to access the separation and acknowledge the shift that usually comes with the use of that phrase in these present times. Because in many ways this does feel like then. 

Exploring Collective Memories and Untold Stories

Since 2016 I have been working with Prof. K.M. Fierke, researching the effect of unacknowledged collective traumatic memory on present-day politics and conflict. In 2020, at the start of the pandemic, we were supported by the Human Family Unity Foundation to expand our research. Our initial focus was on exploring the legacy of empire on present-day politics, in part through the lens of the pandemic.

Topics explored have ranged from the European refugee crisis, the normalisation of the politics of hate, the impact of past memories of collective trauma showing up as influence on and effect of Brexit, climate change response, the pandemic itself, and many others. All of the constellation mapping is conducted blind. The results have been interesting and encouraging, regarding the potential for constellation as a tool in this arena.

What our findings have also highlighted, repeatedly in map after map, is the significance of the unacknowledged dead, ungrieved grief, and of unacknowledged guilt. Those three aspects appear time and again in the collective context. It shouldn’t be a surprise as constellation facilitators see it every day within the individual and family context. 

Grief, Guilt, and the Dead

Ungrieved grief is not a benign phenomenon, and if left ungrieved and unmet, it morphs into unacknowledged guilt. The unacknowledged dead remain displaced and unseen. The prevalence of ungrieved grief in the collective context is incomprehensibly large – the need to not see, not remember, not feel, to numb out grief and pain. And yet the numbing out leads us on to guilt and unacknowledged guilt. The legacy of this guilt becomes an unwanted inheritance for the next generation. The guilt of surviving when others did not is passed down to, and placed upon, the children. Not only that, when we have these three root aspects of unacknowledged guilt, ungrieved grief, and unacknowledged dead entangled together, it creates the need for safety outside of seeing, witnessing, knowing and feeling. The ungrieved grief becomes exacerbated and a perpetrator response, a war narrative, comes in as a ‘false safety’ and it is indeed a false safety. 

Bringing in a representative space for safety or peace in a constellation map can be a provocative act within the informing field, particularly within a collective memory constellation, because it is subjective. Safety within the boundaries of entanglements is not universal. Safety and peace for one representative may mean the exact opposite for the other. So what can we bring in to support a compassionate response, an aspect of seeing that is not a war narrative or perpetrator response within the field? We can bring in ‘tending the future of children’, a seeing of the children and the generations yet to come. That is the closest to a universal safety that we have found. 

The ability to have a compassionate response in the present moment when we are surrounded by ancestral experiences, or the lived and present reality, of those who left/are left behind and those left behind/have left is directly linked to our own ability to see that painful wound within our individual, family, community, and cultural fields. It is no small thing. I have walked with this many times and the wounds are deep and entrenched.

Untold Stories from Ukraine

In December 2019, as part of a project with the HFU Foundation and Chris Halas Wood, to explore the roots of racism within the USA, we facilitated a series of group constellations exploring the legacy of migration trauma within the USA. 

There was a significant number of attendees who were the descendants of Ukrainian and Russian ancestors. Over the course of our time together we set up several constellation maps to uncover and acknowledge migration trauma entanglements. 

One of the participants, Sara, shared the story of her Grandmother, Rebecca. As a young newly-wedded woman, Rebecca left the Ukraine to go to the US with her Ukrainian husband at the beginning of WWI. Before she left, her mother made her promise that she would return to Ukraine after she had made a home for herself in the US. She went back to Ukraine to fulfil that promise to her mother and then returned to the US again. Her husband returned with her but refused to leave Ukraine again. Rebecca returned to the US leaving them behind and her mother and husband were murdered in the Babyn Yar [1] massacre during WWII. Rebecca had eight siblings. She managed to persuade some of them to leave for safety in the US but four stayed behind. The resulting constellation revealed entanglements that are still alive today in the present conflict, and they epitomise the deep wound that is those who left/are left behind and those left behind/have left.

Representatives included:

Sara 
Descendants in the present
Rebecca 
Rebecca’s Mother
Rebecca’s Father
Ukraine
Rebecca’s Husband
Promise to go back to Ukraine
Land in US 
Those left behind
Persecution
Those that didn’t survive
Children
Belonging
Murder
Rebecca’s maternal ancestors
Rebecca’s paternal ancestors
The Dead
Safety
A different belonging
Silence
Debt

The representative for Ukraine immediately stepped out to the edges of the constellation space – isolated, observing and silent.

Persecution looked at Descendants in the present, becoming fixated on them. 

Rebecca’s parents looked away from this interaction, they could not bear to see the Descendants in the present. This is a common entanglement present in war and conflict trauma. The weight of what was lost and the entanglements of those who left and those left behind can render an inability, or refusal to see the continuation of a lineage. 

Rebecca’s mother described feeling that she didn’t know where she belonged; she had lost a sense of herself. 

Persecution and Murder gradually became drawn to one another, moving slowly. 

Ukraine became angry and agitated as the constellation unfolded. 

The representatives for Children were drawn towards the Ukraine representative but Ukraine couldn’t see them. This is a collective example of the wound of the ‘those who left and those left behind’ entanglement. 

The ancestors stood behind Rebecca’s mother, and they could see the Descendants in the present. However, they were more aware of Perpetration. They weren’t connected to Rebecca, exacerbating the sense of displacement within her.

Rebecca’s father was detached from his ancestors and was feeling sad and angry. The ancestors said to him: “I don’t want to be here” and at this point, Those that didn’t survive lay down. This was an indication of entanglements with the unacknowledged dead and unacknowledged guilt within Rebecca’s paternal line. It was a fractured line. A further representative for The Dead was added to lie down beside Those that didn’t survive, as the weight of the presence there was so great. Ukraine was drawn to them, as was Persecution.

Those that didn’t survive being seen by both Ukraine and Persecution was frightening for the representatives of Those left behind and they said: 

“I am trying to hide. Don’t look for me. Don’t remember.”

At this point a defensive cluster formed, comprising of:

Ukraine
Promise to go back to the Ukraine
Rebecca 
The Dead
Those that didn’t survive

The representatives for the Descendants in the present felt guilty and disconnected because of the weight of the ungrieved grief in the field. They spoke from the weight of that entanglement and the carrying of unacknowledged guilt within them was clear:

“I am guilty. I survived. It is hard to look at you. I believed it would kill me.” 

Rebecca’s mother cried at this movement and a little of the grief began to shift. 

This allowed the representative for Belonging to move to stand behind the representatives for the Descendants in the present. This was a significant shift and a supportive one – when this fracturing entanglement is held tightly, belonging for the Descendants in the present can often only be found through a connection with the unacknowledged dead.

A representative was added for Safety at this point. This created a movement with Rebecca’s mother. She began to look towards and see Those left behind and Ukraine. She also began to feel resentment towards her husband, describing him as being in the way of her being able to see Those left behind – an indication of the subjective nature of safety even within an individual context.

It became clear that from the perspective of Rebecca’s mother, Those left behind were her first loyalty – a promise made to her own lineage before the relationship with her husband. She had left her home in Eastern Ukraine to be with her husband in the West. Rebecca had been carrying that loss and fracture for her. 

Rebecca’s mother was eventually able to say to Those left behind:

“I didn’t want to leave you. Part of me stayed. You have my heart. You were my first promise.” 

A representative was then placed for A different belonging and that eased the entangled connection with Ukraine and Those left behind. Rebecca’s maternal ancestors were full of regret for not getting out sooner.

Rebecca’s mother spoke from the entangled grief saying:

“This killed me. This wasn’t love. This killed me.” 

There was a significant emotional release for Rebecca’s mother in being able to break her silence. The representative for the Promise to go back to the Ukraine that Rebecca made to her mother gravitated towards Rebecca’s mother, further indicating that the promise originated with her mother and not Rebecca – it was an inheritance. 

Those left behind began to move towards the representative for A different belonging. This provoked Silence to move towards the Children and block them. 

No one is seeing the Children or the Descendants in the present at this point. The field is isolated and fractured with the weight of the silence and the broken promises. The safety included within the constellation map is not safety for everyone. 

When the inclusion of Safety provokes a movement into not seeing of Children it is an indication that death is being held as an aspect of safety. A belief that death is perhaps the only safety and survival is untenable. This leaves deep marks on the descendants for many generations as they unconsciously believe that their very lives are a betrayal.

The Constellation Field was split into different entangled loyalties. Rebecca’s father was entangled with the Ukraine representative and the land there. And Rebecca’s mother was entangled with Those left behind, relating to her land of origin, and her first promise. 

At this point, Rebecca’s mother could see and connect with the dead but there was an anger between them:

“I hate you. I blame you. I don’t want to see you.” 

There was no compassion present and a perpetration narrative emerged instead as a false safety. The anger expressed in this context indicated an inherited belief that Rebecca’s mother was responsible for holding the unlived years and fulfilling the unlived dreams of the unacknowledged dead.

Rebecca was confused by the expressions of anger and felt trapped by her mother; she too was tethered to the ancestral broken promises. She faced her mother: 

“I did this for you. Please see me. Please love me.” 

The Descendants in the present moved to witness the exchange. It created a further movement within the Mother who described the terrible things happening around her and that she needed to choose that:

“You have to keep the promise. I can’t love you. It isn’t safe.” 

She then repeated to her husband:

“I can’t love you. It isn’t safe. My heart has already died.” 

This is another common entanglement in migration trauma and the descendants that come from it, epitomised by an internalised inherited belief that love is dangerous and often tainted. It is incredibly painful and leaves wounds on subsequent generations.

The representative for Perpetration was emboldened by the naming of the entangled belief by Rebecca’s mother, and moved towards Those left behind stating:

“I own you.” 

Those left behind replied:

“I’ll kill you.” 

There was a disturbing enslavement pattern here with an inability to see the dead or the children. That pattern was holding both Perpetration and Those left behind within the entanglement. The representative for Murder then wrapped their arms around Those left behind. There was a struggle between them. Those that didn’t survive and the Dead were pushed further away, becoming more unseen, as Perpetration, Those left behind and Murder stayed in a perpetration dynamic within the historical narrative of war. This is a false safety and there is a deep cost to it. 

Those that didn’t survive were physically moved to Those left behind in an effort to shift the Field out of the ‘war as safety’ narrative, and for the Dead to be seen. Unfortunately, there was still a refusal to see the Dead. Perpetration began to see the Children but tried to deny their place: 

“When I look at you it costs too much. You can’t be children. You can’t be innocent.” 

They were looking at the children through the unacknowledged dead, unacknowledged guilt, and the ungrieved grief.

The Children said: 

“I am children. I am innocent. I existed. I lived. I breathed. I lived. I died.”

The representatives for the Children then repeated this to the rest of the created constellation space.

Rebecca’s mother became agitated by this:

“I hear them. I can’t love you. It costs too much.” 

This again, is the entanglement with the unacknowledged dead, unacknowledged guilt, and the ungrieved grief. The Descendants in the present, however, gradually shifted and were able to see and to say to the Children:

“I see you. I have lived you. Part of me comes from you. I feel you waiting to be seen and loved. I have been waiting with you. I believed I had to be you. I am not you but I can see you.”

This provoked a significant shift and relaxation in the Field. The Children began to be seen and the Descendants experienced the beginnings of a shift within their belonging. The sacrifice of the children was held as a silent secret and the lack of safety in love, what love means, and the children’s suffering of the trauma is the inheritance at play in the present descendants. It is underpinned by the weight of the unacknowledged dead, unacknowledged guilt, and the ungrieved grief.

This movement allowed the Descendants to release themselves from the Ancestors who were still waiting for their dreams to be fulfilled. A lineage of women from present generation to five generations back were able to release the broken promises and see one another. However, the Ukraine representative was still deeply agitated. The Children were seen but the Dead, and Those that did not survive, were still not seen and Those left behind were still very active. From the Descendants in the present’s perspective, enough had moved to allow them to begin to face their future: 

“There is more than death here. I can choose to live.”

The individual intersected with the collective here, and only the individual context shifted. The historical narrative of the original promises that were linked to land, war, and fracturing remained. There were indications within the map, of influences from inherited political loyalties for Ukraine and between Ukraine and Russia/Poland. 

Collective Inheritance of Contracts, Secrets, and Betrayals

We explored this collective aspect further in a subsequent constellation and there were some deeply entangled roots. This was particularly active around the cost of the Russian Draft (conscription was compulsory for all males over 21 and was for a period of years) and the avoidance of it, an added collective weight of guilt between Those who left and Those left behind. 

The increased presence of perpetration within the map was striking. The representative for the Draft slowly moved towards Those who left, saying:

“I own you, I own your guilt, I don’t care whose blood, I just want blood.”

This lack of compassionate response indicated a deeper conflict and perpetration entanglement around betrayal and broken promises. It continued when Those who avoided the Draft said:

“No. I am not coming back.” 

The Draft responded with:

“I already have you.

I own you.

You owe me.

You owe me blood.

I just want the blood.”

This was disturbing and emotive within the map. There was significant tension within all represented spaces and it was another indication of entangled broken promises between Ukraine and Russia. 

Those who avoided the Draft then said:

“I’m not coming back.

You can’t have me.

You can’t have my children.”

The Draft responded with:

“I already own your children.”

Another representative for Those who avoided the draft became very distressed by this, stating they were worried that the words spoken by the Draft were true and that they never actually escaped. This is an aspect of an entanglement around the cost of survival – the weight of the unacknowledged guilt, grief, and dead that is passed to the children when it is unseen in the present – a toxic legacy.

A representative for Debt spoke to the Draft:

“Forget me. I want you to forget my promise.”

This is an older entanglement of broken promises speaking but the Draft refused to acknowledge it. The Descendants in the present were very distressed and displaced by this. Similar to Rebecca’s mother in the earlier map, they were drawn to the Dead and the weight of the guilt and ungrieved grief.

“I’ve lost my place.

I don’t know who I am.

I can’t remember who I am.

I can’t remember my name.

I can’t remember my land.

I can’t remember who I am.”

The Draft representative was satisfied and comforted by this. The perpetration response as a false safety was active. They stated:

“You owe me this.”

Then to Those who left:

“I’ll take them instead.”

The representative for Guilt stated that they wished they had chosen death rather than this. The cost of survival was huge here and there was a fracture between Those who left and Those left behind that is complicated by the historical narrative of the broken promise between Ukraine and Russia that existed before this draft.

Those Left Behind said to Those Who Left:

“I need your life to be my life. I claim it.”

This is clearly an entanglement holding both aspects in a liminal space. The need for safety through perpetration was entrenched within the map and appeared, again, to be older than the draft. 

The Draft shifted at this point to say to Those left behind:

“They left you.”

This changed the Field and Those left behind began to weep; the grief was finally breaking open. The Draft saw this grief response and softened a little:

“Your grief is like my grief. Your dead are with my dead.”

This movement created a place for grief where it had previously been denied.

However, Those who couldn’t avoid the draft were still stuck within the actual avoidance of it, the contract was still active for them and their descendants. They were able to break the guilty silence and secrecy around this and say:

“I didn’t agree to beyond this life.

 I didn’t agree to forever.

I didn’t agree to my children taking my place.

I didn’t agree to give you my soul.

My soul is my own.

You’ve stolen my soul – I want it back.”

This shifted the focus to Those who left and the Descendants in the present. 

The weight of the guilt was overwhelming for the Descendants in the present and in spite of the ancestors of both Those who left and Those left behind saying:

“Please live. Please live,” they found it very difficult to separate and take their place. They were holding the weight of the unacknowledged dead, guilt, and grief from the original root entanglement and trauma. It was only when Secrets stood with Descendants in the present that they could move away. This was a release, but it did not clear the root collective entanglement.

The constellation was stopped at this point after supporting the representatives for Descendants in the present to drop into the individual Field and say:

“I am going to live. I am alive now.”

A Lived Legacy

This pain and grief is in each one of us as we witness – or not – the present unfolding trauma in Afghanistan, Yemen, Ukraine and others. As we find ourselves in the midst of the ‘cost of living crisis’, scarcity fears, the deep uncertainty of climate change and of war, we are plunged into the entanglements of our ancestors. And not only that, we feel their rip away from safety at moments in our own lives when we lose, or prepare to lose, safety. When a loved one dies, a relationship ends, a dream is lost, we embody that fracture of those who left/are left behind and those left behind/have left. Sometimes we hold it internally within our souls. The rip between who we were before and who we are after trauma. The parts of ourselves that we leave behind with what we lost and the attempt to numb out the part of us that stays, trying to find a solid footing in a world that is not the same as the one we have lost.

We need to tend this sacred wound of those who left/are left behind and those left behind/have left because it is being laid bare in our collective. Our world is changing in big and little ways and the ghosts of the ancestors’ untold stories have been stirred. It costs a lot to grieve this wound but it costs more not to. And if we don’t tend the wound, instead of tending a future for our children we are leaving them the continued unwanted inheritance of unmet grief, unacknowledged guilt, and unacknowledged dead. 

We are living through a period of time that will be remembered in history. It is imperative to tend the grief, pain, guilt, loss, and trauma that is happening now. We know more today about transgenerational inheritance of trauma than our ancestors did. Our ancestors could not stop and had to keep going to survive. We are therefore still knowingly or unknowingly living their untended wounds. We can break the pattern of inherited trauma by choosing to pause, feel and witness what is, as it moves through each one of us. 

I have been working with the ache of this around my own responses to the world we are currently living in, as well as with clients and groups. Sitting with the spaces of the unacknowledged dead, ungrieved grief and unacknowledged guilt along with a space for tending the future of children, is a small offering.

I work with speaking the following phrases to all those spaces:   

Your pain matters
Your grief matters
Your beliefs matter
Your love matters
Your lives matter
Your children matter
Your dreams matter
Your hopes matter
What you have lost matters
I see you, and I am not the only one
I am grieving, and I am not the only one
The grief has a place and there is more than grief
This doesn’t have to become then.

Stopping, pausing, breathing into the pain, grief, and loss – sitting with it – is important. This is the medicine. If we do not do this then the children, the next generations, will have to do it for us. 

Note:

1. Babyn Yar – also known as Babi Yar – is one of the largest World War Two mass graves in Europe. The massacre of 33,771 Jews at the ravine on the outskirts of Kyiv took place over two days in September 1941. As the Holocaust continued, German forces continued to perpetrate crimes at Babyn Yar, using it as a mass grave to dispose of up to 100,000 bodies, until the Soviets took control of Kyiv again in 1943. As well as Jews, Roma, Ukrainian civilians and Soviet prisoners of war were also murdered there. 

REFERENCES

Boccagni, P. (2015) Emotions on the Move: Mapping the Emergent Field of Emotion and Migration. Emotion, Space and Society, Stockholm, Sweden.

Fierke, K.M. & Mackay, N. (2020) To See is to Break an Entanglement: Quantum Measurement, Trauma and Security. Security Dialogue, Ottawa, Canada.

Hellinger, B. (2003) Farewell: Family Constellations with Descendants of Victims and Perpetrators. Carl-Auer-Systeme-Verlag, Heidelberg, Germany.

Berkhoff, K.C. (2008) Babi Yar Massacre. The Shoah in Ukraine: History, Testimony, Memorialization, Indiana University Press, Indiana, USA.

Mackay, N. (2020) Your Invisible Inheritance, Rebel Magic Books, London, UK.

Marchetti-Mercer, M. (2012) Those Easily Forgotten: The Impact of Emigration on Those Left Behind. Family Process, Philadelphia, USA.

Sanborn, J. (1997) Conscription, Correspondence, and Politics in Late Imperial Russia. Russian History, Leiden, Netherlands.

Nikki Mackay (BSc, MSc) is a Family & Ancestral Constellation therapist and teacher. She previously worked as a Clinical Physicist within the NHS, specialising in Neurophysiological measurement and exploring the efficacy of energy healing on the autonomic nervous system. She has a busy therapy practice and teaching school. Since 2016 she has been researching the possibilities of constellations at a macro level, working with the International Relations Department of a University in Scotland, looking at using constellations as a tool for understanding collective memory and trauma. Her fifth book: ‘Your Invisible Inheritance’ was published by Rebel Magic Books in May 2020.

nikki@nikkimackay.co.uk
www.nikkimackay.co.uk
www.facebook.com/ConstellationConversations

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History of Nations, Cultures & Religions

In Solidarity

Veronica Bañuelos Miramontes

I am the daughter of Silvia Miramontes Mercado and Fructuoso Bañuelos Cabral. My grandparents are Jesus Miramontes and Albina Mercado from my mother’s side and Fructuoso Bañuelos and Maria Cabral from my father’s side. My family’s indigenous land is Zacatecas México, north central part of the country. Unfortunately, this land is currently one of the most violent states in México due to drug cartels fighting for territory in order to transport drugs into the US.

I identify as Chicana-Mexicana. Chicana is an identity that speaks precisely to the nuances and challenges of having been born in the US and of indigenous lineage.

I was encouraged to contribute to The Knowing Field by Francesca Mason Boring. I must admit that I was intimidated by this invitation and froze! Yet spirit kept thawing me out and encouraging me to write as well. This is my first contribution to The Knowing Field.

My name is Veronica Bañuelos Miramontes. I am a 47-year-old Chicana-Mexicana living in Portland, Oregon. I am an independent consultant focused on interracial and intercultural conflict in the workplace. I am a social scientist by heart and a systems thinker by training. I had a spiritual calling early in my life, yet, because I was born a girl in a heavily catholic culture, I was not able to pursue nor consider priesthood. I found other ways to fill my spiritual cup, including spiritual directorship training. The work that I do now also feels like a calling and a highly spiritual practice. I am grateful and honoured by it.

My professional studies are a reflection of both my personal and professional purpose. Human Development provided the foundation of theories and practices of communications, interpersonal skills, psychology and sociology. And my graduate programmes in Management and Organisational Leadership informed my systems thinking approach in organisational conflict, and leadership theory of development.

But it was my beloved mediation teacher Renee Bové who I trained with after graduate school, who indirectly introduced me to constellations. I felt, sensed and witnessed Renee was above and beyond any other mediation teacher. I had had other mediation teachers, yet what she brought to the table was profound and her approach went deeper than a mediation process. It was the framework of constellations that allowed her to reach for people across the systemic layers. This approach felt holistic and I was hooked.

Years later, Renee introduced me to Jane Peterson. Jane became my first ‘official’ organisational constellations teacher, and I continue to learn from her today, as well as from Leslie Nipps, and of course Francesca Mason Boring. I consider all of these women my elders and I am grateful to each of them. ​

I have been learning and training in constellations for the last three years. In that time, I have learned that the constellation community also struggles with understanding and healing racial divides. I have to admit that I was surprised to learn that the constellation community struggles with the same exact racial conflicts and disconnections as the wider world. I suppose I wrongly assumed that systemic thinkers would be a bit more immune to the racial discomfort/strife, and it is through this lens of racial conflict that I focus my first writing, while prefacing that this is only my perspective and it in no way encompasses the experience nor understanding of all BIPOC folks (Black Indigenous and People of Colour).

I often hear from white folks, how hard it is to reach and connect with BIPOC folks. A common question I hear is: “What can I do to get more BIPOC into my field, my organisation, class, network, groups, relationships etc.?” 

The answer to this question is complex and I will start to address this question by sharing a story.

Last year a beloved friend had a beautiful baby girl. This friend is one of a close-knit group of indigenous women who I consider sisters. Our friendship group was delighted to have a new member in our lives.

Days after the delivery, we learned about some congenital challenges. The baby was born with a curve in her spine and a malformed skull. She had to go through painful daily stretches, which agonised both mom and baby. She also was to wear a clunky hard-shell forming helmet, day and night.

Our dear friend shared with us her angst as she tearfully explained the painful process she had to put her daughter through and explained how strenuous it was for both of them. We supported her the best we could and made a plan to visit in the next month.

The day finally came. A group of eight indigenous women came to visit mom and daughter. 

There we were around the dining table. The baby (eight months old now) with her helmet on, was being passed around from arm to arm. With each pass, the women would say the same thing: “She is so beautiful; or “She is heavy”; or “How much does she weigh?” “How was your delivery?” Yet, no one made mention of her helmet or asked about her spine. It was too uncomfortable for them to bring up.

I noticed the baby would try to look into each woman’s eyes, trying to make a connection, but they were not looking back. The women were talking about the baby but not with her. They would quickly turn her around and sit her on their lap and converse with the group. The adults were not engaging with the baby as a person. I noticed the baby began to get distressed and started to cry.

I took her next…

I sat her on the table and I was sitting on a chair. Our eyes were at the same level now. I held her eyes and decided to simply witness her, I simply smiled and said: “Hi….” She stared into my eyes with a flat affect for a really long time, just staring. I felt her pain in my body; she was showing me all of her pain in that deep, penetrating gaze. It was difficult, but I committed to staying with her eyes. She kept looking deep into my eyes. The longer she stared, the more impotent and distressed I felt. Feelings of injustice, anger and sadness came over me. My heart began to break for her and with her. My eyes welled up. I am glad all the women were engaged in conversation with each other; this was a special moment between just baby and me. 

After a long while, I believe the baby finally felt met and seen. She got comfortable enough to get curious about looking out into the group. She began to turn her head and only then did I sit her on my lap. Now we were curious about the rest of the group, but we were still connected. As others wanted to take her, she made sure it was known that she was not interested in leaving my lap! Of course, this brought me joy! We bonded that day and ever since she trusts me to see her as a person.

It is important for me to say that the rest of the women care for this child as much as I do. The only difference is that it was too painful for them to sit with the impotence and share in the physical pain of this child. It was easier to ignore and turn away from the pain.

I decided to be an ally to this baby, because I saw her struggle. I had to be willing to hold her in her full emotions and just be present first, before she could trust me and feel safe.

The question I would like to ask those of you who wonder about what to do and how to address racial disconnection is: Can you fully see me and hold me in my pain? Can you see and hold us BIPOC folks in our pain? Can you see into the depths of our transgenerational trauma of colonisation, war, slavery and attempted genocide? Can you see and sit with us and hold the truth of the disconnection from the land and each other as a result of colonisation? Can you hold us in our full emotions of rage, anger and sadness? Can you just feel us, and witness us, and see us first? 

In Bert Hellinger’s Love’s Hidden Symmetry, Chapter on Seeing. Pages 206 and 207: 

“If I succeed in truly seeing someone, then I’m in contact with something greater than either of us alone. My immediate goal can’t even be to help, but only to see the person in the context of a larger order. That’s how seeing works, and it allows therapeutic interventions to remain respectful and loving, while at the same time being a force for healing.”

I often have a sense of fear and trembling about seeing, but if I shy away from what I see, if I hold back – even out of the fear of hurting someone – something closes down in my soul, as if I abused something precious.  

I invite you to be present with BIPOC folks and hold their full humanity (fear, rage and all) while standing in your own full humanity (fear, rage and all).

Can you be an ally?

An ally is someone whose personal commitment to fighting oppression and prejudice is reflected in their willingness to: 

  • Educate oneself about different identities and experiences 

  • Challenge one’s own fear, discomfort and prejudices 

  • Learn and practice the skills of being an ally 

  • Take action to create interpersonal, societal and institutional change

I know the shame and pain that many white folks feel for the actions of their ancestors. Slavery, colonisation and attempted genocide are part of their story.

This is hard to sit with, and look at. So instead, many white folks just pretend the spine is not curved and the helmet is not there. They can’t look in our eyes and hold us in our full emotion. They can’t take us in. We sense this and want to turn away, reinforcing the original hurt of disconnection.

A pearl of wisdom that I learned in constellation theory is that rage is repressed life energy. I certainly see rage, anger and sadness in my work a lot and I include them as part of the holistic and systemic seeing.

One of my favourite questions to ask in white affinity groups is: “How has racism impacted you? What have you lost?” White folks don’t tend to think about the cost of racism to themselves. In my experience I have learned their loss is disconnection from us, (the people of the global majority) and a disconnection from themselves that comes from looking away and numbing. 

What I see now is the weight of the collective trauma that has continued to be repressed. I understand that the numbing can come from the history of the white ancestors. I know now there is shame, anger and rage here too.

What is required from white allies now is to include and reconcile with the history of the ancestors in their role of oppression of BIPOC folks. I believe that as diverse systemic constellation thinkers and processors, we are uniquely situated to hold all of the pain of the past with systemic understanding and love for our collective healing.  

Veronica Bañuelos is a bilingual / bicultural Chicana focused on Holistic Organisational Development and Intercultural Communications. As an independent consultant she spends her energy supporting people and organisations to move closer to their mission and each other through supportive communication and relationship building as executive coach, mediator and trainer. Her professional studies are a reflection of both her personal interests and life purpose. Her undergraduate degree work in Human Development provided the foundation of theories and practices of communications, interpersonal skills, psychology and sociology. Veronica’s graduate degree in Management and Organisational Leadership from Warner Pacific University informed her leadership theory of development, operations, and dynamics of an organisation, which is also supported by her Certificate of Financial Success for Nonprofits from Cornell University in 2018.

verita816@gmail.com
www.veronicabanuelos.com

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History of Nations, Cultures & Religions

Voiceless Women – An Unspoken Legacy

Nikki Mackay

Women’s stories and contributions are often unacknowledged, unseen, and silenced. The missing voices and stories become an all too familiar part of the everyday landscape, passing quietly from one generation to the next. In the familiarity of this silent landscape, the missing pieces can go unnoticed and unquestioned. That doesn’t mean that those pieces don’t exist or are benign. 

Those women who came before in the family and ancestral field have shaped those that come after. Those that were the first in the lineage to do or experience certain things, willingly or unwillingly, have left a particular imprint. The first to marry for love, to divorce, the first to choose to study and have a career, when that simply wasn’t what was done. The first to travel, to follow a different belief, the first to vote, to own land and property in their own name – they will all be there in the family and ancestral field. The brave and courageous women who carved their own paths and went their own way, despite perhaps tremendous pressure and a great cost to do otherwise. Those are exciting, inspiring, and exhilarating stories that often remain untold or are reduced to a short couple of sentences about what a ‘pistol’ a particular ancestor was, or how stubborn and difficult she had been. 

What of the other women? Those who were rendered voiceless within their own lifetimes, who found themselves married off without any attention paid to whether it was their heart’s desire or not. Or those who were relegated to ‘spinsterhood’ by the cultural conditioning. The women whose dreams of learning, creating, travelling, working, were quashed by the weight of expectations of being the ‘good daughter’, the ‘good sister’, the ‘good wife’, the ‘good mother’. Women trapped in abusive situations, women who lost their homes, their dreams, their safety, and their ability to say ‘No’. Those who did their best to survive it, even if that meant hardening their hearts and trying not to feel. That takes courage too, but those stories are even more silenced, unlikely to be mentioned at family gatherings or in any other place. The women who grew brittle and bitter as life and the times they lived in rendered them ghosts whilst they were still alive. The reluctant brides, the widows, the ‘old maids’, the would-be authors, the would-be travellers, doctors, farmers. The weight of crushing disappointment and oppressive ‘choices’, the cost of conforming and the cost of not.

This vast spectrum of voiceless female experience informs the descendants in the present in many different ways. Although we do not yet live in a world where all is equal for all genders in all places, it is significantly better today than it was for our ancestors. The freedom to choose is far greater today than it was then. And yet the lens of the oppressiveness of that old world is still one that individuals can each see or be seen through today. 

When I work with individuals or groups to explore the stories of the women in their family and ancestral field, there can be a romanticised notion of what the experience will be like. Of perhaps uncovering a lesser-known branch of their family tree where there will be a sense of kindredness and ‘coming home’, a resonance of spirit and soul. Of course, that does actually happen, but the journey from here to there involves sitting with the stories and people that are known as well as those that are unknown. The legacy of these voiceless women has been permeating through lineages for generation upon generation. Some of those souls are wounded, scarred, prickly, and often haunted by their own ghosts. The legacy of such wounded ghosts is the creation of more wounded and scarred souls. The wounded people in the family field have been entangled with the costs of the previous generations being rendered voiceless and unseen. The pain is real and it is lived generationally. This means that the first brush with the voiceless legacy of the unseen women in an individual’s lineage and field most likely will be through the painful relationships in the generations that are closest to them, because we are each still living the unacknowledged trauma of these women and it is no small wound. 

The mother, grandmother, great aunts, who were bitter, who withheld their love and spread numbness or pain, is as much a legacy of the voicelessness placed on the women in the influent field as the unknown heroine who struck out on her own, defying all odds. The quiet gentle great-grandmother who was encumbered with an alcoholic partner, and ‘made do and mended’ in poverty for her entire lifetime is as much a legacy as the woman who fought the system to go to university and became a doctor. Both paths require immense fortitude, sacrifice, and grace.   

We can be as bound to seeing our ancestors through the ‘good girl’ lens as we are impacted by it ourselves – consciously or unconsciously drawn to the ‘good ancestors’, the ‘good women’ rather than the bitter, cold, wounded souls. It is hard to sit with someone else’s pain, particularly when it has been unmet by them or those around them, when it has morphed into bitterness, sometimes vindictiveness, and downright nastiness. Behind that unmet pain is unmet and ungrieved grief, and behind that is a story yet to be told – not an excuse but a story. 

The Making of Scarlet Women

A tool for control in any system is shame and blame. The cost of stepping outside of the cultural rules in the community or family we live in is high. This legacy of shame and blame runs through every family and ancestral system. Even that choice to explore, to see what is there, can be a provocative one and go against the beliefs and agreements that run through the structure of a family system.

Those designated as ‘Scarlet women’ are women who act or speak outside of the system that they live in, whether that is family or cultural. The scarlet women entanglement comes in as the cost of not being the ‘good girl’. In the past, ‘Scarlet women’ were defined as sinful, promiscuous, or immoral. Things that happen today that are commonplace, such as divorce, having a baby when unmarried, abortion, speaking out against injustice and violence, saying no to things, saying yes to things, choosing a certain type of career, would have resulted in huge consequences for the ancestors. It would also bring in the legacy of the ‘scarlet woman entanglement’. 

Mistakes are Sacred too

In many of the collective memory constellations involving this and other associated ‘good girl’ dynamics, voicelessness and the fear of breaking a silence plays a key role. This is the fear of the cost of being true to oneself. The great fear of being different, of being seen to be different. Where courage has been grasped to dare to be different, in whatever form that courageous choice takes, for the ancestors and the descendants, there is fear of what might happen next. Not only in the perceived cost of making the choice itself, and that if an individual dares to choose themselves they may find themselves rootless and cast out. No, the fear is much more than that. The fear comes in around a belief that they need to be perfect and get it right. Now that they have dared to be free, somehow they need to be more perfect than if they had stayed and conformed, submitted, capitulated to the ‘good girl’. The deep need to be perfect stems from a damaging inherited belief that safety is only to be found in ‘perfect’. This shows up in so many ways and it is a trap because perfect isn’t real. It is impossible. It is a prison where all those souls who dared to dream outside of the ‘good girl’ entanglement are in grave danger of ending up. In the stories I have stepped into with groups exploring this dynamic there are interesting words spoken from this entanglement. And they are repeated, in different stories, with different groups of people. When this repetition of a spoken entanglement happens, it points to a root pattern. The words spoken have been:

“I made a mistake. I got it wrong. Please don’t kill me.”

And the fear for those speaking is always palpable. Mistakes are believed to be a death sentence, because for some ancestors they were. The roots of this belief are full of shame, shunning, exclusion and perpetration. But who among us has lived a perfect life? I know I haven’t. I don’t think I have ever met anyone who has. It is not possible. However, the need to be ‘perfect’ if we dare to be seen and heard, or ‘good’ and submit to the agreements placed upon the ancestors, has become a lived legacy. 

It also creates patterns whereby the women in the ancestral field have persecuted each other within the system of beliefs they live in. When I work with these stories there is of course the presence of the patriarchal system and cultural system, but there is also the need to survive at whatever cost that runs like a deep undercurrent through the stories. Women against women, entangled within the system, believing that their safety and worthiness of belonging comes from avoiding being shamed and blamed by placing that blame on someone else. Safety through perpetration and persecution. Safety through numbness. There are collective memories at different points in our history that illustrate this such as: the Persecution of Witches, the Magdalene Laundries, Collaborator Horizontal, amongst others. 

This entanglement kicks in between mothers and their children. The mothers in the field of influence who cast out their pregnant or ‘different’ daughters, who shame their sons, who are running an internal belief that being ‘good’ is safer than love. This wounding response is a painful legacy that is ubiquitous in the field and its silenced roots are entrenched in the untold collective stories of the persecution of the feminine. It is why there can be such fear of making a mistake. It is the intersection of the ‘good girl entanglement’ and the ‘scarlet women’. The cost of the punishments placed on previous generations becomes the inheritance that the descendants live with.

Divorce and the Good Girl

Divorce is an interesting piece to work with when exploring collective memories. In western society over half of all marriages end in divorce and divorce is now generally thought of as commonplace. But it is a very recent phenomenon. It is only in the last few decades that it has been possible for women to petition for divorce; in certain faiths it was forbidden and would have been a devastating and shameful event for both families involved. The historical narrative of divorce trauma is why, even in cases of an amicable divorce, there is such a strong response to it from the surrounding family and ancestral fields. 

The reasons for this strong field response to divorce are complex. Perhaps in some cases it is the first divorce in the family that has been petitioned by a woman. In previous generations this would have been impossible. Divorce would have been perceived as being dangerous, particularly for the woman, and the loss of name, land, place, and belonging can appear in the constellation with a pull to unseen, silent, excluded and forbidden women, with a resulting separation and exclusion from the family’s belief system. There may also be a narrative of punishment and shame flowing silently through the field of influence.

The usefulness and immediacy of effect of constellation in supporting individuals through the painful process of divorce always strikes me. I have worked with countless clients at various points of the separation and divorce journey and seen constellation transform something that has been crushing, excluding, and often intractable, into something more peaceful, with a space for resolution and belonging. 

The impact and cost of divorce within the constellation setting, in terms of emotional belonging and freedom, is far greater on women than on men. I do not mean to say that divorce is easier on men than on women or that there isn’t an emotional cost to men. What I am saying is that within the invisible structure of our culture, society and families, the invisible ‘agreements’ relating to divorce and what it means to be a woman who chooses it or experiences it in any way is loaded with inherited legacies, agreements and beliefs. 

Cost of divorce in the ancestral field 

For many of our previous generations, a wife was considered the property of her husband in the UK, US, and Europe. She passed from the place as a child under the authority of a father or brother, to the place as a wife under the authority of her husband. This changed gradually but it took a long time. After divorce she could still not own property, even inherited property, earn money or have access to her children. She could not take back any property or wealth that she had entered the relationship with. Anything she earned would go back to her husband. It remained this way until 1887. This too gradually changed but there was significant stigma and it was not common for a divorced woman to be able to have a recognised subsequent relationship.

Men could divorce women, in 1857, before women could divorce men. They could divorce women for adultery and also have them institutionalised. Women needed adultery plus another action, such as desertion for two years or physical cruelty in order to instigate proceedings, and this was made very difficult. Divorce was mainly for the wealthy.

Even in the UK, before Independent Taxation was introduced in 1990, the income of a married woman living with her husband was treated for Income Tax purposes as his income and he was responsible for her tax. Today, the Catholic Church still refuses to acknowledge divorce in the spiritual sense. They believe that once you are married in the church, you are married forever.

The impact of this on the descendants is huge, particularly for women. Women in the present, in the throes of divorce, can find themselves cast out of their own sense of self, out of their very belonging. Friendships, family, and working relationships can change as the lens of the past comes into force. They can find themselves unseen for who they actually are and viewed with suspicion – an energetic return to the place of a child under the father or brother’s charge, which is a wholly disconcerting experience. There are obvious present generation and relationship dynamics to be worked with in a divorce constellation. However, it is imperative to consider the collective ancestral memories around it. 

The loss of place, name, children, autonomy, property, wealth, reputation, and sometimes freedom for the ancestors translates to deep entanglements around the fear of such experiences in the descendants. This influences not just the woman who finds herself in the midst of divorce but also those around her, in all areas of her life. For her, love itself may become dangerous and tainted, from some of those around her. She herself has become the threat. 

Ella’s Story

I explored the legacy of divorce in the ancestral field in a recent collective memory constellation group. The story we worked with was Ella Sinclair’s and her descendants in the present, who had also experienced a painful divorce from an abusive partner.

Ella was married to Alfred Sinclair and they had a young son together. Their marriage was happy until Alfred returned from serving in WWI. He returned a changed man. He was violent and abusive. He wanted out of the marriage and had begun to have an affair. Ella sought support from her own parents and her husband’s but she was advised to turn a blind eye. 

Alfred started divorce proceedings against her. At that time, in 1925, Ella had very few rights. Divorce was not yet common and the power resided with the husbands. The divorce was petitioned citing Ella as mentally incompetent and an unfit mother. She lost access to her son and was institutionalised for a number of years. Her parents abandoned her, and her in-laws took Alfred and his new partner’s side in the unfolding events.

The constellation was set up to include:

Ella Sinclair 
Alfred Sinclair 
Ella’s parents
Alfred’s parents
Alfred’s new partner
Ella and Alfred’s son
Divorce
Descendants in the Present
Belonging
Love
Beliefs

There was so much silence and pain in this constellation. Alfred, who petitioned the divorce from Ella could only see himself and his own pain. He was unable to see outside of himself. There was also a significant amount of negative focus on Ella from all of the other representatives, particularly her parents. However, none was shown towards Alfred. 

The descendants in the present also initially didn’t want to look at any of it and couldn’t bring themselves to engage with Ella. Ella described a huge sense of pain, shame, and grief. She felt as though she had failed. She didn’t feel comfortable or safe looking at the descendants. 

The woman that Alfred went on to be with was also very perpetrating towards Ella and wanted her place. 

“You don’t exist anymore. I am Mrs Sinclair.”

Both Alfred’s and Ella’s parents were numbed out with pain. Ella’s parents were ashamed of Ella. The cost to them and their family was perceived as too great and they would not acknowledge her existence. The divorce representative was full of rage and unmet grief. 

Initially neither of the parents could see the descendants in the present either. However, after Ella spoke again of her pain, saying: “I failed. This is worse than death. Please don’t look at me,” there was a shift in the field.

After hearing Ella talk about her deep sense of failure and shame, the representative for the descendants in the present was moved to say to Ella:

“There were children. I am here because there were children. Your love still matters.”

This began the shift within the field and Alfred’s mother came forward out of the shadows of her own husband. She was now able to see the descendants and Ella. The mother described being in a prison-like state herself and having a compassionate response to Ella and the descendants in the present, but not knowing how to reach them. She wasn’t free to reach out to any of them until the phrase: “Your love still matters,” was spoken. This is a significant movement and is the beginning of the breaking of the belief that love is dangerous and in particular that the love from a ‘shamed’ woman is dangerous.

The field opened up further when Ella heard the descendants in the present talk about love. She was mesmerised when they spoke of mistakes being made and that they weren’t a death sentence or a prison anymore.

I have made mistakes and I am still worthy of love
I have made mistakes and I am still worthy of my life
I have made mistakes and I am still worthy of my children
There is a place for mistakes
The mistakes are sacred too

I am vulnerable
The vulnerability is not shameful

The realisation that the children were living a different life tended a wound within Ella.

In many divorce constellations there is a real and deep fear of being associated with the divorced or accused women, as if the shame of it all would be contagious. This undoubtedly has threads back to the ‘witch persecution’ memories and the persecution of the feminine. 

Another significant entangled layer in this constellation was between the ‘imprisoned’ women – the mother-in-law who was imprisoned by her marriage and Ella who was physically institutionalised as well as trapped in the cost of marriage and divorce. This collective memory of mental, emotional, and often physical imprisonment or institutionalisation is a silent and insidious inherited wound. It was released within this map for both Ella and her mother-in-law when the descendants in the present were able to say that they had escaped their own abusive marriage.

I got out.
I refuse to go quietly into the unseen.
I refuse to go quietly into the voiceless.

You are no longer bound to them.
Your soul is free.
Death has taken the promises.
Death has taken the vows.
Death has taken the denouncement.

I know a different love.
I am here because there was more than death.
I know a different love.
I got out.

I am not running.
I am sitting with you in this place.

Grief has broken me open too.
I am sitting in the stillness.
And it isn’t death.

This not only soothed the ancestors, but it also soothed the descendants in the present. The fear, pain, shame, and grief are entangled. Along with the belief that there can only be one love, one choice of love and a lifetime of aloneness and punishment if it fails. Failure was a word with a big presence in this, and other divorce constellations. There was a deep sense of shameful failure associated with it that ‘belonged’ with the women, regardless of their actions. It was hard to sit with for many in the group, in part because it is so familiar.

There was a further movement between the descendants, Ella, and her mother-in-law with the descendants saying the words:

I am beginning to know your unspoken story
I feel how dangerous it was to hope
I feel how dangerous it was to dream
I feel how dangerous it was to love

I am tending my own dreams and joy
It isn’t a call to death

I have been holding this fear as mine
I feel the agreement not to remember you
I am breaking it
I want to remember you

Your love and courage still matter
I can feel them
And I remember there was also joy
I still feel your love
I know love

The reassurance for Ella that her love still mattered was transformational, not just for her but for her descendants too. Whispering the phrases; “Your love mattered. Your love still matters. I can still feel your love,” to the unseen, voiceless, and displaced women in the ancestral field is a powerful offering. 

For women going through the process of divorce and finding themselves emotionally, physically and spiritually displaced, it can be a destructive and unexpected root of trauma that becomes entangled with the past trauma of divorce in the field. Add to that the historical associations and cost of divorce within the collective historical narrative, particularly around belief and belonging, and you have a heady emotional and traumatic mix.

Allowing a place for grief is critical and it is transformative. Honouring grief and tending it actually creates a bigger place for living, for joy, hope and dreams. But sitting with grief is hard. Acknowledging our personal grief is hard, particularly when we are entangled with the ungrieved grief of the ancestors. It is this ungrieved grief that we sit with knowingly or unknowingly. Divorce is a small piece in this collective experience of female voicelessness, but it is a tangible and accessible one to work with. 

Sitting with the stories and looking beyond the bitterness to give place to the grief, looking beyond the courage of the pioneering, difficult women to give place to the cost. Telling the parts of the stories that were silenced then, frees the descendants of those souls now. There are ripples of silences, once held tightly, breaking open – vows and promises released and a space for the individual to become free to take their own place outside of the inherited legacy of voicelessness.

A Ghost in the Throat

How painful it is to exist without voice. To be forgotten. Erased. Deemed unworthy. It is the choking feeling in the throat. The thumping of a heart. The feeling of the overwhelming need to escape, be anywhere and anyone other than what resides in the present moment. The knowing that something is very wrong indeed but not knowing what to do about it, how to even ask for help.

When women in the family and ancestral field are rendered voiceless because of the beliefs associated with what it means to be a ‘good girl’, it marks the subsequent generations, of all genders. When there is either a continuance of the acceptance of the voicelessness – by assuming that they have nothing of worth to say, or a continuance of holding the judgements placed upon them – by accepting the single story of their bitterness or ‘badness’, then we effectively render aspects of ourselves voiceless. We mute, deny, punish, and cast out the parts of ourselves that aren’t ‘good enough’, but not only that, we do that to those around us, those whom we love, and we leave it as a legacy for those generations that come after.

Voicing the unspoken stories, screaming the unscreamed screams is not an easy task but it is a brave, courageous, and important one. Speaking up and saying the previously unspoken ‘No!’ or the unuttered ‘Yes!’ begins the release not only of the individual in question but also the generations before them, and the generations yet to come. We can each scream those unscreamed screams so they don’t have to. We can also say to those women that their love matters. 

REFERENCES

Houston, M., & Kramarae, C. (1991) Speaking from silence: methods of silencing and of resistance. Discourse & Society, Amsterdam, Netherlands.

Jackson, L. (1995) Witches, wives and mothers: witchcraft persecution and women’s confessions in seventeenth-century England. Women’s History Review, 4:1, 63-84. Portsmouth, UK.

Leopold, T. (2018) Gender Differences in the Consequences of Divorce: A Study of Multiple Outcomes. Demography, Durham, USA.

Mackay, N. (2020) Your Invisible Inheritance. Rebel Magic Books, London, UK.

Wood, M. (2018) Marriage and Divorce 19th Century Style. The Law Library of Congress, Washington D.C., USA.

Sharma, B. (2011) Mental and Emotional Impact of Divorce on Women. Journal of the Indian Academy of Applied Psychology, Gujarat, India.

Thurlow K.M. (2016) Blurring The Lines between Collaboration and Resistance: Women in Nazi Germany and Vichy and Nazi-Occupied France. Dissertations, Theses, and Masters Projects. W&M Scholar Works, Florida, USA.

Nikki Mackay (BSc, MSc) is a Family & Ancestral Constellation therapist and teacher. She previously worked as a Clinical Physicist within the NHS, specialising in Neurophysiological measurement and exploring the efficacy of energy healing on the autonomic nervous system. She has a busy therapy practice and teaching school. Since 2016 she has been researching the possibilities of constellations at a macro level, working with the International Relations Department of a University in Scotland, looking at using constellations as a tool for understanding collective memory and trauma. Her fifth book: ‘Your Invisible Inheritance’ was published by Rebel Magic Books in May 2020.

nikki@nikkimackay.co.uk
www.nikkimackay.co.uk
www.facebook.com/ConstellationConversations

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New Approaches

Yoni constellations

Irmgard Rosa Maria Rauscher

The word ‘Yoni’ comes from Sanskrit and means ‘divine source’ or ‘holy place’. I use it in this context for all female sexual organs: vulva, vagina, uterus and ovaries.

For a long time I have been dealing with the different cross-national cultures of female deities with female history and female sexuality. I have become increasingly aware of how much we women are separated from our original and divine inheritance – a legacy that dates back some 30,000 years when women were respected and honoured as living representatives of the goddess. Sexuality was celebrated as the sacred union of woman and man. The Yoni was revered as a place of tremendous magical powers, as the greatest of all miracles arose from it: New Life.

As later patriarchal religions gained more and more influence, disrespect against women rose up and led to rigid and hostile life concepts, to superstition and great suffering.

To this day, denigrations and abuse of the feminine have had an effect on our souls and bodies and limit our self-perception. Because of this historical background, women find it very difficult to love and accept themselves and their wonderful bodies.

A Yoni constellation gives female awareness and awakens understanding and tenderness for female history and for personal and collective injuries.

The traumatised Yoni

Unfortunately, we women have been intimidated and separated from our divine treasures through centuries of trauma, oppression and abuse. Trauma can trigger emotional and physical splits. Energetic blockages can arise that make individual body regions numb, rigid and tense. Neurological and biological studies confirm that the Yoni has a direct connection to the brain through a complex neural network. We can assume that it has its own consciousness. Everything that happens to the Yoni has a direct influence on the woman and her self-image. On the body level, the traumatised and abused Yoni cannot supply the female brain with the chemical substances that evoke creativity, courage, bondage and joy. In women, a well-functioning pelvic nerve plexus is crucial for the release of dopamine, oxytocin and other hormones, which sharpen perception, strengthen self confidence and increase liveliness. A traumatised Yoni affects the brain’s supply of these euphoric substances, leaves deep traces, conditions and shapes the body, soul and spirit of the woman.

Personal trauma

If the Yoni is damaged by personal trauma, such as sexual abuse or rape, then existential despair, depression, blockage and numbness can be triggered. This isn’t true of other body traumas such as a broken leg. Even ‘lighter’ forms of injuries such as humiliation, insensitive sex and devaluation create negative stress in the female brain. Negative stress can lead to blockages, hardening, numbness and lack of desire. A disappointing or emotionally overwhelming experience of the ‘first time’ can still affect any sexual contact many years later. 

In the course of pregnancy and childbirth, exhausted staff, harsh manners, invasive examinations and a medically functional atmosphere already trigger negative stress. If one also imagines a delivery room with bright light, being connected to a monitor and medical equipment, then it would be astonishing if the Yoni could fulfil its extreme effort of giving birth in a relaxed way. Even with a so-called ‘normal’ birth, a lot of negative information is produced which the Yoni also remembers.

Transgenerational trauma

In addition to the personal injuries of the Yoni, the transgenerational troubles and trauma affect its well-being. Sexual assault, abuse, experiences of violence, pregnancy and birth trauma that ancestors have suffered, is passed on to the descendants through the cellular information field and influence the most intimate essence of many later female family members in a negative way. Overwhelming experiences in war, during expulsion and with escape of mothers, aunts, grandmothers, great-aunts and great-grandmothers shape the energy field of the female family and modulate love, sexuality, relationships and health of those born later.

Growing up and living in an environment strongly influenced by patriarchal religions imprinted countless generations of women and men. The sinfulness of female sexuality propagated by Christianity, lack of sex education and restrictive moral concepts made it difficult for our ancestors to love their bodies and have a fulfilling sex life. Most of the time, sexual encounters between women and men took place secretly and in a cloud of shame in the dark of the bedroom, often with a guilty conscience about the church’s commandments. The ‘sins’ then had to be confessed to harsh and uncomprehending ‘men of God’ and were punished. Women who were not married and had children were threatened, outlawed and banned. In the desperate attempt to abort the child, some women lost their health or even their life. The children were referred to as bastards and together with their mothers, experienced the concentrated rage, disregard and infamy of that society that believed in the hostile rules of the patriarchal religion.

Collective trauma 

Collective trauma affects women through the same epigenetic mechanisms: persecution, torture and murder of millions of women in the name of Catholic inquisition. Wars, political persecution, displacement, escape, colonisation and related sexual violence are collective issues that can be found in almost every family. Undoubtedly, the sexual revolution and feminism were significant occurrences which led us out of the musty morals of the past centuries. However, at first the pendulum swung in the opposite direction. Countless injuries also occurred despite the sexual liberation at the end of the 60s and 70s which had little to do with bodily feelings but a lot to do with intended intellectual decisions. To be considered free and open-minded at all costs caused many women, including my generation, to ignore their own bodies. Sexuality in those years was often characterised by a kind of self-abuse:

  • not feeling what the body really wants and what it does not

  • not feeling the need for intimacy and attachment, for mindfulness and security, for sensitivity and bonding

  • violating inner and outer boundaries just to prove to yourself and others how cool, independent, shameless and lustful you are.

Many women these days are alienated from their bodies and reject them. Female suffering begins when a woman is not experiencing her body consciously, but sees it as an object that is viewed through the eyes of others.

The loss of the inner self keeps many women trapped in the exhausting carousel of having to be beautiful, slim, attractive and sexy. In order to achieve this ideal, one’s own health is sometimes endangered. Serious illnesses such as anorexia, bulimia or other eating disorders can develop.

The alienation from the body and the feminine essence has serious consequences:

  • loss of connection to inner wisdom, to inner core and to divinity

  • destructive competition

  • superficial relationships, feelings of loneliness

  • hiding the true personality behind a mask

  • loss of trust in one’s own intuition, creativity and vision

  • loss of perception of one’s own limits, desires and needs

  • constant critical assessment and self-devaluation 

Healing with Yoni constellations

In a Yoni constellation, women have the opportunity to hear the voice and sensitivity of their central femininity, their deepest essence, and in this way to invite the divine dimension of femininity into their lives. The Yoni can tell which injuries and traumas restrict and block it and what it needs, so that it can develop its lively expression and vibrating energy.

In a Yoni constellation workshop, women who want to come into contact with their creative feminine and want to find a connection to that mystical entity that I call the goddess, come together. The goddess preserves the intact female and male self-image and the original identity of the human being. The essence of the goddess is reminiscent of a blissful, paradisical state of consciousness. It symbolises the creative connection of the sacred feminine with the sacred masculine. 

In a Yoni constellation workshop, women reinstate their identification with the female deity that was lost a long time ago. Together we remember the times when the vulva and with it the feminine, was adored and when venerable grandmothers were asked for advice, because of their wisdom and authority. 

The oldest portrayals in human history are images of the vulva. They indicate that sexuality between women and men and fertility was sacred. Many historians share the view that a goddess, a ‘Great Mother’ was worshipped almost everywhere in the world. Sexuality and the fertility of Mother Earth were so closely linked, that for example, a lettuce plant was also praised as the goddess’s pubic hair. 

The worship and belief in a ‘Mother Goddess’ that once existed, but has since been marginalised and forbidden by the emergence of patriarchal religions, is still present in the collective unconscious and is waiting to return to consciousness. It’s not about inventing something new, it’s about remembering. 

The Yoni constellations are a direct way to gather information about female ancestors and to get in contact with the female collective via the ‘knowing field’. 

The respect for the sacred feminine and its expression by venerable elders, priestesses or oracles may have been removed from the patriarchal world, but once the process of remembering and healing begins, it is like a blocked source flowing into a holy fountain again. 

Fortunately, the sacred matrix of life has always stood by the feminine side. Despite dark times, exclusion and exile, the goddess smiled behind the veil of patriarchy and guarded her treasures. She was ready and was waiting for that time when women would again long for themselves, when their treasures would be truly seen again.

In the Yoni constellation groups, an appreciative, trusting, compassionate, cautious and humorous shelter is created in which injuries symptoms of illness and trauma can be healed. In the common dance, not only breath and individual chakras are stimulated, but images and visions can also appear, that remind us of the deepest female foundations.

After this workshop, women go their way strengthened and connected to their ‘sisters’. Released trauma, understanding and respect for the female collective power allowed new perspectives for positive change. Healed injuries open up inspired relationships with family members, partners and lovers. 

A woman who consciously feels her body and is connected to her divine source, shines. She radiates vitality and strength. A beloved and respected body tells of vitality, self-confidence and passion. 

The sight of such a woman spontaneously touches the heart and gently leads to the bottom of existential human truth.

The sacred feminine is not a theoretical or intellectual concept. It doesn’t live in movies, fashion magazines or religions. The sacred feminine takes place and becomes visible in the physical expression of life. The wisdom of the feminine is available in every moment and expresses itself through loving presence and conscious mindfulness:

  • in contemplating and feeling one’s own body

  • through the perception of the cyclical miracle that takes place in the body every month

  • when dancing in high heels

  • barefoot in the forest

  • working in the kitchen

  • at the bed of a child

  • at work

  • in the arms of a lover

Social and political dimension 

A Yoni that has been healed from blockages, injuries and trauma also has a political effect in the broadest sense. Conservative forces have always feared the real sexual awakening, not only in women but also in men. Erotic vitality has the power to move people to resist rigid political and social oppression. Eros always had, and still has, the potential to wake up people mentally, physically and psychologically.

A woman who is conscious of the power of her most intimate femininity has the personal inner freedom to question patriarchal structures and no longer bow to them. She no longer accepts inequality in relationships, at work, or in society. 

A woman, when in contact with her Yoni, has immediate access to feminine wisdom, to her cyclical nature and thus to the deepest human mysteries and dynamic force that flows through all of creation. She recognises the divine dimension in herself and therefore no longer feels lonely or inferior. 

It is fundamentally important and about time that every woman knew the immense potential of her Yoni. Just as every woman is different, her Yoni is also unique and individual – no two are alike. Acquiring anatomical knowledge, knowing what the Yoni is like, what it looks like, how it wants to be stimulated, what increases its well-being and what it does not like, is essential for a fulfilling erotic and sexual experience. 

For most women, it is very touching to establish contact and relationship with their Yoni. The awareness and experience of the divine dimension inherent in the Yoni has the potential to heal and transcend. A liberated, relaxed Yoni gives women luminosity, vitality, joy and creativity, regardless of age. A woman who knows what her Yoni wants, who treats her tenderly, who remembers the goddess in her, will make sure that her lovers meet her desires and needs. She will educate, teach and guide women and men she is with. 

For Yoni health, it is not enough to go to the gynaecologist once a year. The Yoni needs loving attention, care and treatment. To perceive the ingenious and wondrous interplay of ovulation and bleeding, to be amazed at the changing texture of the mucous membrane and to enjoy the delicious perfume of the Yoni brings the woman into connection with her divine creativity. In addition, the Yoni enjoys gentle care, protection and pampering with natural oils such as pomegranate seed oil, rose suppositories and fragrant baths. Red underwear strengthens and stimulates the root chakra.

If we look at the Yoni with admiring looks, just as we look at a beautiful flower, then it delights us with satisfaction, well-being and feelings of pleasure. 

When a woman meets her divine source in this way, her relationship with herself changes fundamentally. She will be more loving, patient, and tolerant with herself. She will observe and feel the spiritual nature of her body with respect and pride. She will bring this deepest wisdom into the relationship with her lovers and pass it on to her daughters and granddaughters. 

What the patriarchal religious tradition calls the ‘Fall of Man’ has its origin not in human sexuality, nor in the seduction of Adam by his wife, Eve. The expulsion from paradise marks the estrangement from the tradition of the goddess, the worship of the feminine and feminine sexuality. This created shame, guilt, dishonour, stigmatisation and demonisation of sexuality. Women and men have been separated from the poetic, life-giving and spiritual force and energy that permeate all creation. Here are the main causes of alienation processes and faults in our civilisation and society. 

A Yoni constellation strengthens the feminine essence and is a way to experience your own divinity. The Yoni is a gateway to a woman’s happiness and creativity. With this knowledge a woman can create a completely different model of her sexuality, in which appreciation and respect are expressed. She can show her lover how he can recognise the goddess in her and address her. If the woman feels loved and respected, then her body and mind relax and open up for ecstatic adventures and vibrating climaxes. 

With this appreciative and spiritually emotional-physical practice, a bridge is formed over to the sacred feminine and thus also to the sacred masculine. 

Every human being, regardless of gender, longs deeply to be perceived and loved for what and how she or he really is. The precondition for this is to first fully accept and love yourself. Yoni constellations offer a direct path to recognise yourself and to discover and develop elementary love for yourself. 

With mutual respect and deep appreciation, women and men can truly recognise each other, make wise decisions and reconnect with the spiritual dimension of Creation.

Irmgard Rosa Maria Rauscher is a facilitator of Systemic Constellation Work, trained by Bert Hellinger in 1994. Since then, the topics of systemic constellations, relationships between women and men, femininity, love, intimacy, spirituality and sexuality and the traditions of female deities have been her professional and private passion. Her therapeutic understanding revolves around accepting and understanding the inner truth of every person – a truth that is integrated into one’s own family history and into historical and social contexts and relationships. In 2006 she wrote a book about female menopause: Feuerroter Wandel, published by Kosel, Germany.

irmgard@dr-rauscher.de
www.irmgard-rauscher.de

Research & Development

A Systemic and unified understanding of Constellations

Simone Perazzoli*
José Pedro de Santana Neto

Abstract

The world has witnessed intense and continuous transformations, especially in how society is organized and how individuals react to the constant changes in the dynamic environment. Among the numerous approaches developed to understand better, organize, and solve diverse societal issues reaching the system equilibria, constellations play a role of outstanding interest and rich discussion and relevance. Due to it, several initiatives have been led by the scientific community to understand the dynamics of constellations through research projects and the application of constellations in different contexts. This paper proposes a unified and systemic understanding of the constellation work, taking the General Systems Theory (GST) and Mental Model Theory (MMT) as references. This analysis provides a more general and integrative view of systems and, thus, offers a baseline for evaluating the practices and procedures adopted by professionals and practitioners. Despite the relevance, it is a challenging and complex initiative. Mainly due to the notable plurality, richness, and particularities of constellation practices, which offer an environment of high heterogeneity and, thus, demand delving into knowledge fields of substantial abstractions. Ultimately, the framework presented here is merely a starting point. More efforts are needed and welcome for further improvement, allowing the constitution and robustness of the constellation practices bases.

Keywords: Constellation Techniques, General System Theory, Mental Models Theory.

1. Introduction

The world has witnessed intense and continuous transformations, mainly concerning how society is organized and how individuals react to the constant changes provided by the dynamic environment. Among the numerous approaches developed to better understand, organize, and solve diverse societal issues through the system equilibria, constellations play a role of distinguished interest and rich discussion and relevance. It has encouraged several initiatives by the scientific community to understand the dynamics of constellations through research projects and the application of constellations in different contexts (Perazzoli, de Santana Neto and de Menezes, 2022; Perazzoli, Santos and de Santana Neto, 2022). 

Despite it, there is still a lot to be developed, especially about a general, clear, and unified understanding of the constellations methods. In addition to the various types of constellations that emerged without a direct and integrative connection, which facilitates their understanding, mainly as a harmonic set of approaches that complement each other, there is still a difficulty in mapping and evaluating the practices according to a unified arrangement.

Therefore, this paper seeks to present a unified and systemic understanding of the constellations, allowing a general and integrative view and offering a baseline for evaluating the practices and procedures adopted by professionals and practitioners. It is noteworthy to emphasize that this is a challenging and highly complex initiative despite its relevance. It is mainly due to the notable plurality, richness, and particularities of constellation practices, which offer an environment of high heterogeneity and, thus, demand delving into knowledge fields of substantial abstractions. 

Hence, this paper proposes an initial analysis of the General Systems Theory (GST), which becomes a reference for the various methodologies involving constellation practices. It is important to remark that the framework presented here is just a starting point. Consequently, more efforts are needed and welcome, allowing the constitution and robustness of theoretical bases.

2. General Systems Theory

General Systems Theory (GST) can be understood as a metalanguage of concepts and models to describe, communicate, establish, create, update and define causal and transdisciplinary processes. Wiener, von Neumann, von Bertalanffy, von Förster, and Ashby were the pioneers of this theory. It emerged in a post-World War II context when the world needed to be rebuilt and reestablished in a more balanced and harmonious manner (François, 2000).

GST is based on the concept of a system. The word system comes from the Greek ‘sustema’ and goes back to the idea of an assembly. Therefore, a system can be defined as a group (or assemblage) of elements composing an integral whole (integrality). All these elements are connected by a finality, which characterizes the system. Consequently, the elements not supporting the fulfillment of the system finality may act as a source of instabilities and degeneration of the system itself (Bertalanffy, 1950). Figure 1 shows a schematic of a system.

Fig. 1:  Schematic representation of a generic system, according to the GST

As shown in Fig.1, a system is defined from the union of unique and different elements, components, or members (A, B, and C). These elements are connected, establishing a relationship with each other and, thus, there is an exchange of information between them. It is crucial to emphasize that the relationship between elements must necessarily present an exclusive character to maintain the system cohesion. It means that all relationships are unique and irreplaceable. For example, the relationship R (among elements A and C) must necessarily be different from the relationship R (among elements C and B). Otherwise, if they have an identical relationship, it would be as if element C does not change its behavior or does not interact with the other elements, thus being an isolated and independent element.

Another important aspect is the characteristic of open systems. In other words, elements are capable of interacting with the external environment, receiving input, and generating output information. This characteristic enables a system to connect with other systems, thus forming co-emerging and interdependent chains among systems themselves, carrying out exchanges in a sort of connections network. This dynamic property composes another mechanism called equifinality, which is the ability to achieve the same finality from different starting points.

It is also worth mentioning the system’s feedback capability. It allows the system to perceive its current state and thus be able to make changes related to its internal functioning. So, its finality can be achieved, generating equilibrium and stability. Precisely, the feedback capability allows systems to develop and self-adapt to the external environment changes. According to Bertalanffy, this evolutionary and adaptive capacity of systems deriving from feedback mechanisms is called anamorphosis (Bertalanffy, 1950, 1969).

In summary, a given system can be characterized according to the GST given the following concepts presented above, which are:

  1. Finality;

  2. Relationships/Connections;

  3. Integrality;

  4. Open systems;

  5. Equifinality;

  6. Anamorphosis.

By introducing the GST, it is possible to apply this abstraction or metalanguage to understanding diverse topics. For example, a human cell can be seen as a system having its finality to reach homeostatic balance. A cell has several components, and among them, the organelles can establish exchange relationships. All these organelles are essential for the constitution and functioning of the cell, forming a whole (integrality concept). The exchanges with other cells and the external environment may also occur, given the characteristic of open systems. Additionally, other body cells with the same finality can be successful in homeostatic terms, characterizing the equifinality. Finally, from its beginning, the cell goes through several stages of evolution, assuming anamorphosis aspects.

Taking GST as a reference, a constellation session is formed by a system known as the constellation field, which is delimited through the topic to be addressed. At this stage, the system to be considered may usually hold some imbalance, which may cause suffering among its components (elements). Therefore, several approaches can assist this system in achieving its finality in a more harmonious and balanced way, thus, becoming cohesive and healthy.

Therefore, it is essential to emphasize the intrinsic systemic nature of constellations, which is associated with the attributes of finality, relationship or connections, integrality, open systems, equifinality, and anamorphosis. If practices contradict these attributes, it may indicate the practice quality fragility from a systemic point of view. However, the characteristics mentioned above are not the uniques to be considered when defining a constellation setup, and thus, it is necessary to advance further.

3. Mental Model Theory

Constellations are based on feelings, sensations, perspectives, movements, and references that bring rich information, often clearly and unveiled to all individuals involved in the practice. It brings us to the concept of a new attribute, the mental model, based on the Mental Model Theory (MMT). According to this theory, a mental model is a mechanism in which individuals are able to describe a given system, including its purpose and state, explain its operating mechanism and observable conditions, as well as perform predictions of future states (Rouse and Morris, 1986; Mathieu et al., 2000).

Given the MMT, when describing the topic to be constellated, the individual (constellant) begins building a mental scenery composed of references related to that theme. It enables the arising of a set of memories, for example, moments, people, and situations, and the constellant is able to identify itself with those conditions. Now, it is possible to perceive the circumstances and see itself in front of it. Along with it, the constellant becomes aware of the elements composing the system being addressed as well as their functioning mechanism.

The richness of the mental model is to allow the constellant to identify and put itself in the position of each component, acquiring consciousness of what happens with each element, according to their respective points of view. The ability to experience distinct perspectives and thus identify each element belonging to the system is crucial to the constellation exercise.

Therefore, the information related to the mental scenery emerges naturally, and the constellant can express itself according to this information. There are several forms to demonstrate it, and the more diverse, the richer, and the more intense the practice. For example, people can act as representatives for the elements of a system. Thus, these representatives can reveal emotional reactions, movements, speeches, or behaviors according to the connections between the elements, bringing more richness to understanding a given situation.

There is also the possibility of utilizing objects to represent the system elements (see the diagram in Fig. 2). Hence, the distances between the elements and their arrangement provide valuable information for the practice. There is also the technique of ground anchors, in which the components of the system are represented statically, according to the constellant standpoint. So, it is possible to perceive each system component’s behavior, feelings, and characteristics as the constellant establish contact with them.

Fig. 2: Example of a constellation schematic diagram.

Without the mental model, the constellation practice would be unfeasible, and the entire setting environment would not become the constellation field. Hence, the mental model attribute is the central key in enabling the expression of abstract, intense, and profound information in objects, movements, speech, and forms of reactions.

Afterward, it is essential to emphasize the relevance of the constellation facilitator (constellator) to develop sensitivity and open-mindedness to the mental model emerging during a constellation session. Insensitive and compassionless professionals can perpetuate aggressive interferences in the system, leading to more instability and thus harming the system, difficulting the process of achieving equilibrium and finality. Therefore, the manner in which the facilitator interacts with the constellant’s mental model is essential for a qualitative evaluation of the practice.

By contemplating GST and MMT, it is possible to establish the first level of constellation abstraction: Systemic Constellation (SysC). It can be understood as an abstraction of a mental model (MMT) aiming to describe a given system according to the GST principles. Throughout the practice, the constellant will be guided in observing and analyzing the changes in the system. It will enable the acquisition of new learning or the resignification of a given issue, further supporting decision-making processes and conflict resolutions involving the topic addressed, leading to the system equilibrium.

4. Constellations Tree

There are several techniques deriving from the Systemic Constellation (SysC). It enables us to build a constellation inheritance tree, as presented in Fig. 3. Those methodologies can differ according to their particularities, such as the system addressed, how the practices are conducted, the assumptions and knowledge assumed, and the digital technologies employed to improve and optimize the constellation process. It is worth remarking that, to be considered systemic, these emerging techniques must respect the attributes inherited from SysC. Otherwise, it may induce instabilities and imbalances in the system.

Fig. 3: Schematic representation of the constellation inheritance tree.

The constellation tree presented in Fig.3 enables us to list several approaches and their intrinsic characteristics. Despite this, this list is not exhaustive, and we may have to consider the existence of other varieties of constellations. Therefore, further studies are needed to add and categorize them in the constellation tree.

Indeed, among those specialties, the most widespread is the Family Constellation (CF). According to the literature (Perazzoli, de Santana Neto and de Menezes, 2022), CF was first mentioned by Adler (Adler, 1937), developed and applied by Virginia Satir (Satir, Bitter and Krestensen, 1988), and popularized by Bert Hellinger (Hellinger, Weber and Beaumont, 1998). Hellinger’s method was influenced by different therapeutic approaches, including psychodrama (Moreno, 1946), hypnotherapy (Erickson, 1954), development-oriented family therapy (Satir, Bitter and Krestensen, 1988), transaction analysis (Berne, 1958), and phenomenology (Husserl, 2012). It focuses on the ancestral family premises following the ‘orders of love’ and accredit that system instabilities originate from the ancestral family (Hellinger, Weber, & Beaumont, 1998). 

As the most widespread, FC has been the base for derivative methodologies, such as the Organizational Constellation (OrgC), a methodology established by Weber (Weber, 2000), a student of Bert Hellinger. OrgC has a particular characteristic of taking CF to the business context, resolving and harmonizing conflicts beyond the family system, with positive results reported. It can be explained by the systemic principle of equifinality, leading the system to stability even starting from a reference point outside the addressed system. It is also important to point out that many companies originated from a family base; hence, such business systems can inherit multiple characteristics of the founding families. Although, careful attention should be given here, especially when dealing with non-family business roots. Taking the familiar system attributes as a reference in this context can lead to an erroneous approach to corporate world issues (Perazzoli, de Santana Neto and de Menezes, 2022).

In contrast, we have the pragmatism of the Structural Constellation (StrC). This technique was developed by Matthias Varga Von Kibed and Insa Sparrer to identify the dysfunctions and disturbances in a given system and, then order it in the most appropriate arrangement and operation, reestablishing its effectiveness (Sparrer and Von Kibed, 2000). It is characterized by pragmatism and objectivity, being highly focused on the solution of systemic problems instead of their source. StrC is not applied to directly identify the origins of difficulties in ancestry or previous generations, as stated in FC. Contrary, it seeks to recognize the non-tracked aspects of a given system, supporting the equilibrium reestablishment. Thus, minimal interventions are performed to reorganize the system, harmonize relations to reach better functioning and, consequently, increase the effectiveness in achieving its purposes (Menezes, 2021).

The Investigative or Exploratory Constellation method (IC) is mainly applied to systemic research. It integrates diverse methodological approaches, including knowledge, interview and participation procedures, and hermeneutics. IC is powerful for experimenting and testing hypotheses, suppositions, and assumptions concerning the extent to which a given theory applies to the observation, explanation, and design of systems, which elements characterize the shape of a given system, and what non-visible causal structures are located under its surface. Therefore, IC is employed in colleges and universities as a research and teaching method, especially to generate data and insights (Müller-Christ and Pijetlovic, 2018; Disterheft, Pijetlovic and Müller-Christ, 2021).

Aiming to address a more generic perspective, Menezes proposed the Transpersonal Constellation (TC). This approach considers that each system has its order, purpose, and distinct operating principles. Herein, it is possible to cover a comprehensive set of systems, such as the family system, intrapersonal systems containing the personal history (social, phylogenetic, etc.) and individual values, and the internal dynamics of individuals, among others  (Menezes, 2021).

With the advance in technology, the Digital Constellation® was proposed recently (Perazzoli and De Santana Neto, 2022). It is a framework based on the coupling of Systemic Constellation attributes along with advanced artificial intelligence technologies. This modern technology is the first and unique in the market that allows transforming subjective and massive data into quantitative and structured data, speeding up the decision-making process in the organizations and making it more robust and assertive. It is a promising tool in the newest 5.0 industry scope.

Ultimately, through the structure of the constellations tree presented here, it is possible to understand the distinct approaches in a unified and integral manner. It brings a richness of perspectives and complementarities, as well as the theoretical bases associated with them. Despite being a pluralistic structure, the constellation tree provides an intrinsic coherence, encouraging the learning and evaluation of such practices. 

4.1 Is it possible to evaluate the quality of the constellations’ practices?

It is worth noting that coherence follows a hierarchical structure. In other words, the approaches located downward the tree cannot overlap and contradict those at the highest levels. By considering it, the authors propose a guideline composed of a set of valuable parameters to be considered when evaluating the quality of constellation practices, always respecting the tree structure (Figure 3), which are presented in Table 1.

Table 1: A suggested guideline to evaluate the quality of constellation practices.

Despite being simple, these questions bring a series of benefits, forming a guide to helping the evaluation and improvement of constellation practices quality. It is worth remembering that those are just suggestions, and further revision and addition of complementary questions are required to consolidate this framework.

5. Conclusions

Constellation practices have gained increased attention due to their potential benefits, from therapeutic to law and organizational systems. However, it is still necessary to advance in the understanding of such techniques allowing their application in complex environments and systems in a cohesive manner. 

With the aspiration to collaborate and support the community to advance in research to consolidate this topic, it is introduced a unified framework enabling a clear understanding of constellations. Such a proposition has the capability to provide a more general and integrative view and offer a baseline for evaluating the practices and procedures adopted by professionals and practitioners. 

Noteworthy, the framework presented here is merely a starting point. More efforts are needed and welcome for further improvements, allowing the constitution and robustness of theoretical bases of constellation practices.

Acknowledgments:

This work is an initiative that does not depend on third-party funding, and the authors are thankful to all those who motivated us to produce it.

REFERENCES

Adler, A. (1937) ‘Position in family constellation influences lifestyle’, International Journal of Individual Differences, 3, pp. 211–227.

Berne, E. (1958) ‘Transactional analysis: a new and effective method of group therapy’, American journal of psychotherapy, 12(4), pp. 735–743.

Bertalanffy, L. (1950) ‘An Outline of General System Theory’, The British journal for the philosophy of science, 1(2), pp. 134–165.

Bertalanffy, L. (1969) ‘General system theory: Foundations, development, applications’. Available at: https://repository.library.georgetown.edu/handle/10822/763002.

Disterheft, A., Pijetlovic, D. and Müller-Christ, G. (2021) ‘On the Road of Discovery with Systemic Exploratory Constellations: Potentials of Online Constellation Exercises about Sustainability Transitions’, Sustainability: Science Practice and Policy, 13(9), p. 5101.

Erickson, M.H. (1954) ‘Special techniques of brief hypnotherapy’, Journal of Clinical and Experimental Hypnosis, 2(2), pp. 109–129.

François, C. (2000) ‘Systemics and cybernetics in a historical perspective’, Systems Research and Behavioral Science, 16(3), pp. 203–219.

Hellinger, B., Weber, G. and Beaumont, H. (1998) Love’s Hidden Symmetry: What Makes Love Work in Relationships. Zeig, Tucker & Theisen Publishers.

Husserl, E. (2012) Ideas: General Introduction to Pure Phenomenology. Edited by E. Husserl. Routledge.

Mathieu, J.E. et al. (2000) ‘The influence of shared mental models on team process and performance’, The Journal of applied psychology, 85(2), pp. 273–283.

Menezes, M. (2021) Constelações muito além das Familiares: introdução à Constelação Sistêmica Transpessoal. Dialética.

Moreno, J.L. (1946) ‘Psychodrama and Group Psychotherapy’, Sociometry, 9(2/3), pp. 249–253.

Müller-Christ, G. and Pijetlovic, D. (2018) Komplexe Systeme lesen: Das Potential von Systemaufstellungen in Wissenschaft und Praxis. Springer-Verlag.

Perazzoli, S. and De Santana Neto, J.P. (2022) ‘Fostering innovation in projects through systemic techniques’. International Systemic Constellation Conference. Available at: https://iscc2022.sched.com/event/11ne2/fostering-innovation-in-projects-through-systemic-techniques (Accessed: 16 May 2022).

Perazzoli, S., de Santana Neto, J.P. and de Menezes, M.J.M.B. (2022) ‘Systematic analysis of constellation-based techniques by using Natural Language Processing’, Technological forecasting and social change, 179, p. 121674.

Perazzoli, S., Santos, W.S. and de Santana Neto, J.P. (2022) ‘ConstelaDev Bootcamp: An Innovative Platform Based on Systemic Methodologies to Evaluate Students Skills, Abilities, and Performance’, in Proceedings of the 5th International Conference on Future of Teaching and Education. Diamond Scientific Publishing. Available at: https://www.dpublication.com/abstract-of-5th-icfte/15-9465/.

Rouse, W.B. and Morris, N.M. (1986) ‘On looking into the black box: Prospects and limits in the search for mental models’, Psychological bulletin, 100(3), pp. 349–363.

Satir, V., Bitter, J.R. and Krestensen, K.K. (1988) ‘Family reconstruction: The family within—a group experience’, Journal for Specialists in Group Work, 13(4), pp. 200–208.

Sparrer, I. and Von Kibed, M.V. (2000) Ganz im Gegenteil: Tetralemmaarbeit und andere Grundformen Systemischer Strukturaufstellungen-für Querdenker und solche, die es werden wollen. Auer.

Weber, G. (2000) ‘Organizational Constellations: Basics and Special Situations (translation by Peterson and Luppertz)’, in Weber, G. (ed.) Praxis der Organisationsaufstellungen. Carl-Auer-Systeme Verlag, pp. 34–90.

Editor’s Note:

As this is a published research paper, the original spellings, and style have been preserved.

Simone Perazzoli has a Ph.D. in Chemical Engineering from the University Federal of Santa Catarina and Specialist in Systemic Constellation from the Brazilian Pedagogical Institute. She is the Co-Founder of Constela Digital, a company that drives digital transformation by educating people through more humanized technologies. 

She was always passionate about discovering and better understanding how living systems are organized, acting on the frontiers of research and innovation, and seeking to develop practical solutions to the problems faced by our society.

She also is an ML Engineer with experience in the international industry. Her life’s goal is to apply technological tools to build a more sustainable society.

*Corresponding author

Tel. +41 079 611 63 95

consteladigital@consteladigital.com

Mailing address: Constela Digital, 89564-494, Videira, SC, Brasil

José Pedro de Santana Neto, M.Sc is a Teaching Assistant and Ph.D. Candidate at the Department of Computer Science of the University of Geneva (Switzerland). He holds a bachelor’s degree in Software Engineering from the University of Brasília (Brazil) and a Master’s degree in numerical methods applied in mechanical engineering at the University Federal of Santa Catarina. 

Motivated by interdisciplinary research concerning the application of computer science in other areas, he also holds a Specialization in Systemic Constellation from Brazilian Pedagogical Institute.

Along with academic experiences, M.Sc de Santana Neto worked in the Brazilian and International software industry across Europe by applying modern technological approaches to deliver innovative products and services in an interdisciplinary context.

1jpsneto@gmail.com

Mailing address: University of Geneva, Department of Computer Science, 1211 Geneva, Switzerland

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Personal Reflections

A Call for the Proper Inclusion of Transgender People

Josh Alexander

As a queer person and constellations facilitator, it is clear to me that the Systemic Family Constellation Work community is behind the times on LGBTQ+ issues. A person need only review the kinds of conversations on queer topics that occur in our online professional forums to confirm that this is the case. Thus, my main purpose in this writing is to issue a call to our community: we must seek to adequately include that which has been excluded and do the work necessary to ensure that Constellation Work is inclusive and accessible to LGBTQ+ people, whether they are fellow facilitators or clients. To this end, I present a ‘Transgender Inclusion Exercise’ to inform our personal and professional practices of inclusion as well as our evolving discourse as a community.

Exclusion can refer to many things in Constellation Work. Exclusion is also one of the words du jour in social justice work, as in ‘diversity, equity and inclusion’. And yet the aim of anti-trans oppression is worse than that word conveys. Philosopher Aaron Jaffe has shown that today’s anti-trans forces represent: “a commitment to radical personal, public, institutional, and legal excision of trans people,” from society and “whereas ‘exclusion’ may merely maintain the distinction of what is already separate, ‘excision’ better names the procedure of carving out, ejecting, and reversing” progress toward proper inclusion for trans people (Jaffe, 2018). As constellators we know that transgender people cannot ultimately be excluded – the fact of their ‘being’ means they unavoidably belong – but they can be excised from society and social belonging and that is precisely what anti-trans oppression seeks to do. 

In many conversations about transgender people, both within the constellations community and outside of it, cisgender commentators seem driven to cast trans people and their allies standing up to oppression, as simply engaged in drama triangle dynamics. There is an inappropriate amount of focus on the alleged ‘perpetration’ of transgender people when they stand up against anti-trans oppression, or if they’re not cast as perpetrators, they are cast as ‘playing the victim’ for pointing out and challenging injustice. I believe this move on to the drama triangle is both an avoidance of discomfort with the system of oppression, and a defence of that oppression, however unwittingly. 

If you do not see how the current level of conversation in our community falls short on these topics then that is your first piece of homework: to learn enough about the issues and to listen to LGBTQ+ voices and take our concerns to heart to the point that you too can perceive what I am pointing at. There are things about which we can reasonably disagree (and things we cannot, such as the basic dignity and personhood of all LGBTQ+ people) but we cannot even begin to have a productive conversation if our perspectives are so far apart that we can’t even agree that there is vast room for necessary improvement on how safe, welcoming, and accessible our profession is for LGBTQ+ people. 

In recent conversations within our community, both public and private, I have been horrified to see terribly transphobic generalisations about trans people asserted as facts and defended when challenged. I have been shocked to learn of one person’s attempt to find facilitators for trans family members only to find that they couldn’t. None of the facilitators they approached felt comfortable facilitating for a trans client. I have been saddened to see public encouragement of transphobic posts while receiving private correspondences from colleagues who did not appreciate the transphobia in our discussion groups and supported my speaking out against it, yet for whatever reasons did not add their voices to mine in the public conversation. 

I will say it bluntly: this state of affairs is unacceptable. I, and our other LGBTQ+ colleagues should not have to wade through transphobic discussion in order to take part in our professional forums. Transgender clients should be able to easily find facilitators who can compassionately and competently constellate for them. All of us should feel confident about voicing our opposition to transphobia in all its forms. And it’s up to us as a professional community to make these things happen. 

I present the following exercise on the theme of inclusion for your own exploration. You may agree or disagree with some of my framing in this exercise or not fully understand some of it. That’s perfectly fine; wherever you’re at is where you’re at. I invite you to be with what I’m offering here with an open mind and an open heart. The fact that the following perspectives might be very different than yours goes to the very point of this exercise. This is a starting point and of course there are many ways you might modify it. I’m interested to hear what you learn and experience from this as well as how you expand on it. 

Transgender Inclusion Exercise

For this exercise I recommend either imagining yourself in the space I describe with the following representatives or representing them with objects tabletop-style. Represent yourself in this field so that you can notice your experience relating to these aspects of the collective system. As this is intended as a tool for self-reflection, I do not recommend setting this up with other people representing the roles or attempting to use this setup to perform a different type of constellation.

This exercise is divided into steps for you to work through in your own time. If you need to take a break in between steps to reflect, process, or integrate, please honour your own process.

Step one:

In front of you there are two representatives facing you, some space between them. 

Rep 1 is representing transgender and non-binary people as well as their allies. 

Rep 2 is representing the spectrum of people embodying anti-trans stances. 

Specifically Rep 2 includes:

1. Anti-trans activists (including activists who claim they are not anti-trans, such as TERFy types [Trans-Exclusionary Radical Feminism] and the so-called ‘gender critical’ crowd. (It’s OK if you don’t know what these terms mean yet.) 

2. ‘Cisgender moderates’. This is a reference to the white moderates described in Martin Luther King Jr’s Letter from Birmingham Jail.[1] This includes the cisgender people who, to paraphrase Dr. King, are more devoted to ‘order’ (or old, comfortable understandings) than to justice, who say: “I agree with the goal of trans rights but I cannot agree with their methods of direct action,” who paternalistically believe they can set the timetable for another person’s freedom, who advise trans people to slow down their expectation of equal treatment to allow cisgender people more time to ‘catch up’ in learning/processing/understanding trans issues, who criticise the efforts of people who experience an oppression they will never experience to stand up to that oppression.

Check in with what you are experiencing as you stand across from these two representatives. 

Include the awareness that we – you, the representatives, all of us – are inside the system of anti-trans oppression as it exists and operates in society. 

Include the awareness that there are legitimate victims and perpetrators in this system. Notice that there is more to the victims than their victimhood and there is more to the perpetrators than their perpetration. Each of us is a whole person.

Include the awareness that a system of oppression can reproduce harm even if none of the individuals making up the system bear any ill will towards the oppressed.

Step two:

Behind these representatives, an appropriate amount of space away, with some space between them, bring in the following representatives:

Rep 3: Indigenous people impacted by colonisation, behind Trans and Allies.

Rep 4: European colonists and missionaries, behind Anti-trans activists and Cis moderates.

Include the awareness that Christian colonists imposed binary gender roles on indigenous populations everywhere they went. Indigenous non-binary constructions of gender were erased and suppressed through violence, genocide, and religious conversion. The foreground of today’s gender issues takes place within a context shaped by these injustices and radical social changes to the definitions of gender imposed by Europeans.

Check in with what you are experiencing as you stand across from these four representatives. 

Step three:

Behind these representatives, bring in the following four:

Rep 5: Early 13th century trans & non-binary people, behind Indigenous people.

Rep 6: Early 13th century Christians, behind Colonists.

Reps 7 and 8, behind 5 and 6, close together – I like to imagine them holding hands:
Earlier trans & non-binary Christians, Earlier cisgender Christians.

Include the awareness that at some point in the past, transgender & non-binary people were included in medieval Christian society and “oftentimes interpreted as an expression of God’s plan rather than a deviation from it.” (Wikipedia, 2022) Include the awareness that around the turn of the 13th century the church began to impose a binary gender construction instead and those who did not fit in were excluded.

Check in with what you are experiencing as you stand across from these representatives. 

Notice that the current conflict started when society began to exclude trans & non-binary people. Notice that the only way it will stop is when society begins to properly include trans & non-binary people again. 

Step four:

Some representations to experiment with bringing in:

Rep 9: Eugenicists and Scientific racists, next to Rep 3 Colonists and Missionaries 

There are links between eugenics and anti-trans thought, as well as racism and anti-trans thought. The UK is the birthplace of eugenics and the British Empire, and today the UK is a hotspot in the struggles for trans inclusion. For example, the UK was singled out in 2021 for its transphobia and rising anti-LGBTQ+ hate by a report by the Council of Europe (Maurice, 2021).

A question to hold: How do these histories systemically influence the amount of transphobia and anti-trans activism in the UK today?

Rep 10: Modern day descendants of colonists

Rep 11: Modern day indigenous descendants 

Place these two wherever feels right in line with the first two representatives. Notice that just as oppression of trans people is ongoing, oppression of indigenous people is also ongoing. 

Rep 12: Multiple representatives for ‘cultures with non-binary gender constructions’. This includes cultures like Native American Two Spirit people, Thai kathoeys, and the five genders of the Bugis.

Place these reps to one side wherever feels right. 

Include the awareness that transgender people have existed throughout history and many cultures past and present have included them as more or less equal parts of society. While there are still many struggles around the world there are also cultures that are not struggling as much as ours is with simply accommodating the fact that trans people exist. 

Step five:

Paying attention to the two main columns of representatives, include the generalisation that the column of trans and indigenous people embody the act of living one’s inner truth in the world. We could say they represent a ‘from the inside out’ approach.

Include the generalisation that the column of oppressors embodies the dynamic of forcing an external truth on others: “Male/female, man/woman is the only truth and you must fit into this truth or you do not fit in with us.” We could say they represent a ‘from the outside in’ approach.

You might notice the rift between the two main columns of representatives is closed at the far end in the time before this division began. What might it take for it to close on your end as well? 

I’ll suggest a part Six to close after the discussion below. For now, feel free to include anything that has not been included that is helpful for you to include. Take all the time you need for your own explorations before continuing to my reflections. 

Discussion

Two immediate observations are size and emotional tone. This system is BIG. It is much bigger than us. Its roots in various past traumas and injustices span not just generations but centuries. It is well worth making the formal constellation move of bowing to all of this. 

It is also very sad. I, and others I took through this exercise each independently noticed the immense sadness of it all, especially the central rift between trans people and the rest of society that lines up with the domination of indigenous cultures by Western colonialism. We are looking at a massive, ongoing perpetration against a particular range of expressions of nature. What are we denying in ourselves when we collectively attempt to deny the legitimacy and dignity of the very existence of trans & non-binary people? What can we include about ourselves when we can fully include trans & non-binary people, not just as mentally ill people or disturbed aberrations, but, as pre-13th century Christians saw it, as expressions of God’s plan?

Avoidance

Given the size and emotional depth of what’s here, there are two common avenues of avoidance I’ve observed:

First is spiritually bypassing the discomfort of being with all of this by escaping into a higher perspective. From some distant enough spiritual perspective, such as the role of an angel or a non-dual unity perspective, all of these representatives can appear as simply souls learning different lessons, the conflicts as small arguments that humanity will eventually figure out like children squabbling on a playground and thus with no real need of intervention from the person attracted to this perspective. 

Perhaps more dangerously, we can fall into thinking that ultimately there’s no real harm going on. And yet, shamans speak of (and treat) soul illnesses and soul traumas. How do we know what is or is not harmful on a soul level? And on what basis do we exempt our own soul’s learning from this unfolding experience? How do we know that part of what those other souls are learning doesn’t include our own help and participation in how things unfold? Are you not represented somewhere in the constellation already? If you are cisgender, have you not fallen into the role of the cisgender moderate at some point? Have you been a trans ally? Can a tenable ‘neutral’ position even exist? If it could, would it be justifiable to occupy it?

The second avenue of avoidance is jumping on to the drama triangle of victim, perpetrator, and rescuer. This can look like falling into a victim role, feeling victimised by the facts of the system, or as one participant expressed it: “I’m feeling resentment toward you as the facilitator. That voice says: ‘Why are you making me look at this? I don’t want to look at this’.” Of course the constellation move there is to look precisely at that which one does not want to see. 

Another way of falling into the victim role is excuse making: “But it’s all soooo biiiiiig. What do you want meeeee to dooooo about it?” And my answer is that I don’t want you to do anything about it, not yet. First, I just want you to be with it, in all the ways we as constellators know how, until being with it has changed you somehow. And then I want you to allow those changes to express through your doing, naturally, organically, in whatever ways they do. 

The drama triangle route of avoidance can also look like paying too much attention to the victim/perpetrator/rescuer dynamics in the system rather than to the main issue in the system which engenders them: the exclusion of trans people. 

Current victim/perpetrator dramas play out amongst the first two representatives in our setup. When we are wrapped up in focusing on these dramas we lose sight of the rest of the system and the big picture of the dynamics at play. In what ways is it more comfortable for us to engage at the level of victim/perpetrator dynamics than at the level of the whole system? In a recent forum discussion, I observed the reaction of (presumably cisgender) folks rushing to ‘defend’ a fellow facilitator’s actions that had been criticised by trans & non-binary students. These students were cast as perpetrators, the facilitator as their victim, their concerns were thus dismissed as drama, and the facilitator rescued from any accountability. If we buy into this escape, nobody in the discussion has to contend with the larger system. 

An important note about the victim position of the triangle: the victim is the ‘poor me, I give up’ position that seeks a rescuer to validate and enable those feelings. The way a person moves out of the victim position is to stand up for themselves and express what they want. When trans people are standing up for themselves and expressing their demands for equality and justice they cannot be said to be playing victim for doing precisely the movement out of the victim role. 

“But what about the perpetration of these trans activists?” I hear over and over again. “That’s not OK, right?” I have three answers for this:

Firstly, when an activist for any kind of social justice is being cast as a perpetrator, most of the time all they’ve really done is challenge oppression. This has led to many internet memes that boil this move down to: ‘Pointing out injustice is the real injustice’. Don’t be that meme. Keep your eye on the whole system, including your own place in it. 

Secondly, when it comes to behaviours that might give us some pause, such as online ‘harassment’ of anti-trans activists, I often don’t see the behaviour being objected to as perpetration, I see it as self-defence. Perhaps ineffective or misguided self-defence, but who am I to critique how a member of an oppressed group that I am not part of stands up to that oppression? I find that many people criticising trans responses to anti-trans oppression are really clear about why they think those trans responses are unacceptable, but much less clear on what makes the oppressive behaviour being responded to unacceptable. For myself, if a person can’t or won’t clearly identify and condemn oppressive behaviour as such, I’m not at all interested in what they think of the behaviour of the people challenging it. Rather than criticise another person’s activism, ask yourself what you can do to help end the oppression itself and make the need for their actions moot. Keep your eye on the whole system, including your own place in it.

Thirdly, even if and when there is perpetration on the part of trans activists, as facilitators when we encounter a system in which exclusion is happening, don’t we pay more attention to undoing the exclusion than the consequences of that exclusion? The exclusion is the root of it, the possible perpetration is a fruit. In between is the branch of a lot of harm and oppression. From a systemic perspective, is such perpetration not a natural potential consequence of exclusion in the first place? Should systems engaged in exclusion have any expectation of being able to do so without disruptive consequences? 

What happens when you look at people speaking or acting aggressively on behalf of trans rights as aggressively refusing to allow certain parts of the system to be excluded any longer? As constellators, we already know that the more people in a system push to exclude, the more the system itself will push back – through various others within the system – to include. Trans activism in all its forms is the unavoidable consequence of society’s exclusion of trans people. Keep your eye on the whole system, including your own place in it.

On an individual level I might be able to say: “That specific response was harmful and nobody should have to experience it,” and yet on a systemic level it is out of order if I am more committed to indignation over any given perpetration by trans people fighting oppression than the overall system of anti-trans oppression that led to it in the first place. To be really real with you about it, when I hear people complain about ‘transgender perpetration’, I hear: “These uppity trans people are getting out of hand. They need to know their place and suffer the indignities of their oppression in ways that allow me to feel comfortable rather than being so mean to that nice cisgender lady who was just expressing her opinion!” Her oppressive, transphobic opinion that perpetuates the system is the very thing people are so uncomfortable looking at, much less attempting to change. Instead they come out with platitudes such as: “It’s sad for them, but that’s just the way it is.”

By way of analogy, take a matter of perpetration that you have no problem respecting, perhaps for example domestic abuse. If trans rights issues were a domestic abuse case, we’re not talking about a person who was abused in the past. We’re talking about a person who still lives with their abuser and the abuse every day. Moving out of the house is not an option, because in this case the house is society. The only long-term option for resolution is our collective transformation into a non-abusive society. You may think that an impossible goal, but that does not mean that we should not work towards it anyway. And in the meantime, how would you treat a person or a client who was living under circumstances of daily victimisation? Would you suggest that they do more inner work? That they take responsibility for their part in the abuse? Or would you be most focused on one thing: doing everything possible to make the abuse stop. Stopping the abuse is the first step before anything else. 

What about self-defence? If a person is unable to get out of an abusive situation and kills their abuser in order to stop the abuse, are they a perpetrator? Do we condemn their actions more than we condemn the abuse that engendered their violence? And what do we say about people who stood by while the abuse was happening and did nothing to stop it, or even denied that it was happening in the first place, even as the person asked for help and asked for the abuse to be stopped? Are they not complicit in all that happened?

When it comes to one of the most marginalised groups of people fighting, in many cases literally, for their lives – and there are so many ways in which that is true, so many war fronts if you will, from avoiding being outright assaulted or killed to fighting to have proper access to medical care to reducing the causes of trans suicides – I just cannot find any sympathy for anyone denying that there is injustice that needs to be put right, much less for folks actively arguing against this group’s rights to exist and to belong. The best I can do would be to look at it as if from the edge of a constellation and say: “This is sad and terrible for all concerned and the sooner it is resolved, the better for everyone,” but ONLY while recognising that some people are, wittingly or unwittingly, arguing for it to continue and the folks fighting back are fighting for it to stop.

It’s easy to say that we want this conflict to stop. But it only stops when society finds its way – when we find our way together – to properly include trans people, which I believe means:

1) allowing transgender people to be who and what they are

2) recognising that there is a valued place for them in society

3) cultivating the conditions for them to give their unique gifts to society 

4) fully receiving those gifts. 

I want these things for everybody, and I would suppose that you do, too. If that’s true for you, then I invite you to invoke these elements of inclusion for trans people with the following prayer: “May you be blessed with these basic requirements for living fully and free. May we all be so blessed, including myself as well.”

Benediction

Step six:

Returning to the constellation again, imagine a circle or ellipse enclosing you and the first row of representatives. The circle represents current society as it is, including the systems of anti-trans oppression. Give the circle a colour. I’ve used yellow for the illustration, but you can choose whatever colour feels right to you.

Now turn to face the future. Imagine another circle or ellipse just overlapping the first one. This circle represents a future version of society in which transgender & non-binary people are properly included. Give this circle a different colour, and notice that where the two circles overlap the two colours blend to make a new third colour.

Imagine two representatives in front of you in the new circle. They represent future trans and cis people who live in this future society and do not experience the conflict of anti-trans oppression.

Experiment with your relationship to the overlapping area. What happens when you move closer? Can you play with stepping into it? Perhaps you only put one foot in at first. This is an in-between space. What would you have to let go of in order to occupy it? What would you have to include? What is different for you here? What would it mean for you to embody this position in your daily life? What would it mean if enough other people joined you here?

Acknowledgements:

This article would not be what it is without the help and contributions of my colleagues Jade Barclay and Peter Touchard, who I’ve listed in alphabetical order because I couldn’t possibly decide who has helped shape my thinking and writing here more. Thanks also to Karen Carnabucci and Aitabé Fornés for the rich discussion and to Francesca Mason Boring for the encouragement and support. 

Notes: 

1. https://www.africa.upenn.edu/Articles_Gen/Letter_Birmingham.html

REFERENCES

Jaffe, A. (2018) Cis Fears and Transphobia: How Not to Debate Gender https://www.versobooks.com/blogs/3868-cis-fears-and-transphobia-how-not-to-debate-gender

Maurice, Emma Powys. (2021) UK named alongside Russia, Poland and Hungary in damning LGBT+ hate report due to transphobia.” https://www.pinknews.co.uk/2021/09/24/uk-council-europe-report-lgbt-hate-speech

Wikipedia (Retrieved May 6, 2022.) Transgender History https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transgender_history 

Josh Alexander is based in San Francisco and facilitates individual, organisational, and community constellations for clients around the globe. He has facilitated community constellations on topics ranging from gun violence to colonisation & genocide to COVID-19. He volunteered with the 2015 North American Systemic Constellations Conference and helped produce the 2017, 2018, and 2019 West Coast Constellations Intensives. Josh completed constellation training at NLP Marin in 2013, Master NLP Practitioner certification in 2014, Transformational NLP Practitioner certification in 2015, and Advanced Facilitator training through Convivium Constellations. Josh integrates indigenous healing perspectives and is apprenticed to a traditional elder for over 10 years.

josh@nlpsanfrancisco.com
nlpsanfrancisco.com

Personal Reflections

LGBTQI

Karen Carnabucci, LCSW, TEP

When I offer presentations about Family Constellations, I often refer to ‘the story underneath the story’.

This is one way that I communicate a key part of the philosophy of Family Constellations – that we have stories that we habitually tell ourselves and others about our families and relationships. Then there is the hidden story, the deeper story that we do not consciously know about our family system that can dramatically shift our perspective.

The discovery of the hidden story brings much power. When we bring what is hidden to consciousness, our lives become bigger, deeper and fuller. This is one of the reasons that I have embraced Family Constellations – along with Systemic Constellations – and why I continue to view the method as a force of incredible healing and transformation. 

During a recent presentation at a college class, I had the opportunity to experience the hidden story first-hand, in an unexpectedly painful way. I received an education of my own, one that I am still sorting through.

This is how the story began…

An instructor teaching a graduate-level elective class about psychodrama and trauma asked me to present about psychodrama and Family Constellations. He is familiar with my book, Integrating Psychodrama and Family Constellation Work: New Directions for Action Methods, Mind-Body Therapies and Energy Healing (2011) and had included me and Family Constellations in a brief mention in his book.

The group consisted of 18 students, plus the instructor. The class format started with didactic information, followed by a demonstration in action. We agreed that no personal constellations would be done and that I would demonstrate the process without using anyone’s actual family. 

Finally, he said: “As a heads-up, there are multiple non-binary and trans students in the class. They would probably appreciate a quick introduction round to indicate pronouns.” 

I agreed with these requests, which sounded sensible in this academic setting. My plan included didactic information about Bert Hellinger and the origins of the approach, followed by my ‘mouse family constellation’, where I discuss the well-known mice study at Emory University [1] while setting up three generations of mice in the Field. Typically, I ask one of the grandchildren mice to look back to the traumatised grandfather mouse and make a statement like: “I understand more now.” 

If there is anxiety in the room, I have found this to be valuable in calming the group while making the point about intergenerational trauma and explaining the Orders of Love. 

Finally, I planned a mini-constellation on leaving school and going out into the world, because the class would be graduating in two weeks. I created a handout page on my website with a general slideshow on the Orders of Love, various links, a sample of the questions I ask when constructing genograms, several of Dan Booth Cohen’s videos, including the one on representative perception and a reading list including the book by a French psychodramatist on epigenetics (Schutzenberger, 1998) and more. 

Just before the class started, the instructor reported that one student would be calling in by computer because he was not feeling well. We talked about how we might include that person, and I mentioned that he might hold space for the indigenous because energy is non-local. The instructor agreed that was a good idea.

When the class opened, the instructor introduced me and mentioned, with warmth, the books that I had written. We started with introductions, asking for names, identifying pronouns and places of internship – to learn what systems they were working with – and their familiarity with Family Constellations or other types of ancestral healing work.

One student had experienced Hellinger’s work, and a few alluded to connections with ancestors in their spiritual practices. They reported practicums at a variety of places such as: addictions treatment, community mental health and juvenile justice, and I felt excited that my teaching could support them in such settings. They, too, seemed excited to learn more.

Next up was, the didactic sculpture showing the influences on Bert’s philosophy while talking about the ancestors’ actual presence in our lives – mentioning that ancestors are always with us and were in fact, with us right now.

I started with placing the Indigenous, placed at the edge of the space and asked the person who was calling in to hold that space, if willing. Then I called for volunteers for Sigmund Freud (the unconscious), Carl Jung (the collective unconscious), J.L. Moreno (social systems and sociometry) and Bert. As each one took a place in the Field, I discussed each as influencers.

At one point, the call-in person reported he was not feeling well. He asked to be removed from the representation, so I asked a student sitting nearby to take the role. This student declined, so I asked the instructor to stand in, which they did.

When we placed Bert, I talked about his story, including his draft in the German army as a youth, survivor of war trauma, priest and missionary to South Africa.

One student asked about the kinds of families involved in Family Constellations. I answered briefly, saying that the term came from ‘family grouping’ in German and for now, the didactic is focusing on actual family of origin with the ancestors behind them, with the understanding that people can enter the family in other ways, as partners, as adoptees and in some cases, as perpetrators. I also mentioned that there is discussion in our community about alternate forms of traditional families, including surrogacy and the like.

The student appeared angry, sharply saying I was focusing on ‘heteronormative families’, not recognising other families.

I explained that yes, this approach looked at families of origin consisting of a father and mother. I don’t recall that I said biological parents and I may not have clearly stated the biological parents as being connected to intergenerational family trauma.

Returning to the scene, I asked the representatives how they felt, and each answered. Then I asked the Bert representative to turn back to the Indigenous and acknowledge them eye-to-eye. The Indigenous representative reported a positive feeling, and the Bert representative felt he made a connection. 

We took a 15-minute break, and I glanced at my plan to resume with the set-up of the mouse family.

As students returned, the instructor took me aside, saying several students were upset about my statements about mother-father families. He suggested that we process feelings before additional teaching. He offered to facilitate the sharing.

Indeed, a segment of the class proved angry. They wanted me to apologise to two of the students – the one who had held space for the Indigenous on the computer screen, saying he was indigenous or part-indigenous and the other who asked the question about heteronormative families. But there was more:

“Bert is appropriating indigenous culture!”

“You called in the ancestors! That was irresponsible!”

“Bert was a Nazi!”

“Why should we listen to any therapy started by a Nazi!”

“So what if you’ve written books!”

I attempted a few teaching points to address the comments, but they were having none of it. Feelings and verbiage escalated, and the vocal students again insisted on apologies.

I turned to the student watching on the computer screen, and I said: “I am sorry that I asked you to participate. I did not realise that you were so sick.” This person took my apology well, and said he was not indigenous but Italian. 

Turning to the other student, I started an apology to her. I can’t fully remember my words, because I was partly dissociating by then. What I said was dismissed. I tried a second apology, expressing sorrow about speaking in a way that was upsetting to her, adding that I regretted that we did not have another hour to explain more deeply the value of Family Constellations.

That apology wasn’t sufficient either. The student, clearly distressed, said: “I can’t take another hour of this! I can’t even take another minute of this.”

The student rapidly scrolled on her phone, which I silently guessed was signalling her attempt to regulate her emotions. Attempting a third apology, I rose from my chair and started to go around the circle, planning to apologise to each person. It seemed that my mistake had not only offended the student but also created a problem for everyone.

The student at my right indicated she didn’t want the apology and pointed to the angry student. My actions didn’t seem right, so I returned to my chair.

The instructor stepped into a therapist role and encouraged the students to connect with their inner resources, adding a few calming words. One student commented that she felt a bit of empathy for my position. Then the class ended, and several students rushed to give the distressed and sobbing student a hug.

The next part of the Story

Returning home, I felt numb, in shock. I was not hungry. My scrambled brain tried to sort out what happened. I couldn’t understand why the students weren’t curious, even with my stumble, about the topic. My brain patched together that I had been seen as the conscious perpetrator in the room – in not answering the question with more sensitivity – as well as the unconscious perpetrator within the family systems from which the students came.

Logging in online, I asked for feedback about this experience on ConstellationTalk [2] and the Family and Systemic Constellations Facebook page, asking what I could have done differently. “Please be kind, but direct,” I wrote. I couldn’t bear additional criticism, but I wanted to learn from the experience. Nevertheless, intermittent crying and a racing brain kept me restless most of the night, checking email and Facebook responses. 

Here is what I learned:

  • My experience is not singular. Several facilitators wrote publicly and privately that they had encountered anger, projection and aggressive feedback when presenting to groups, particularly college and university groups. 

  • Knowing about a range of pronouns within a group and asking for pronouns are not enough. It might have been helpful to discuss with the inviting instructor in greater depth about what the topic might mean to a group where several people have gender non-conforming identities.

  • It is not enough to be LGBTQI friendly or take continuing education classes about current terms to be culturally competent, especially concerning Family and Systemic Constellations. Through the years I’ve had many gay and lesbian friends, colleagues and acquaintances, have worked with or referred people with a variety of orientations, gender expressions and gender struggles, and years ago one of my training groups included a trans woman in transition that allowed me to observe and become sensitive to her struggles.

  • I would have talked more about systems and less about families, speaking of the biological family as just another system and used words such as parents, siblings, caregivers, etc., rather than mothers and fathers, uncles and aunts, brothers and sisters. 

  • It may have been helpful to offer a general warm-up where people mill and then stand in a spot, feeling the energy of the place and then move to another spot, allowing them to feel the Field without assigning extra information. Then I might move into the ‘mouse family’ set-up with an explanation of the biological ancestors. 

  • Answer the woman’s question about heteronormative families in greater depth, even though it would have taken time, and validate the importance of her question. Something like: “You asked a good question. I realise that I answered your question too quickly and insensitively. For that I sincerely apologise, and I want to answer now in greater depth to give you and the question the respect that you and your question deserve.”

  • Be prepared to discuss cultural appropriation and other hot topics that emerge in teaching settings, making sure information is current. For instance, although it is true that Bert served as a Roman Catholic missionary in colonised South Africa, he learned to speak the language fluently and studied with several Zulu elders. Bert’s views also evolved through the years. Suzi Tucker, who maintained a long professional relationship with Bert, quotes him as saying of homosexuality (his word): “It’s love,” thereby moving from a simplistic diagnostic view.

  • Explain that Bert is full of contradictions, and he was formed during an era of contradictions and chaos. He came from a heteronormative background yet created a powerful healing modality that holds innovative, and even shocking ideas and is helpful to all kinds of groups and families. A war resister forced into the German army as a teenager. A survivor of trauma, who worked with people who have inherited trauma from World War II. A person with strict parameters about his ideas who developed a perspective and philosophy that evolved, just as he did.

  • Trauma prevents us from being curious, asking thoughtful questions and being ‘teachable’. In our culture, people who identify as trans, non-binary and gender non-conforming typically have significant trauma, intolerance and oppression in their personal experience, apart from what they may have inherited from their lineage. These levels of trauma can understandably activate parts of self that contribute to aggressive and irrational behaviour. 

  • When strong feelings arise, and it is not suitable or possible to set up a constellation, focus on slowing down and encourage and model the processing of feelings, rather than thoughts, ideas or political statements. 

  • The discrimination and hatred of gender non-conforming people had been mostly theoretical to me, and now it feels as if it is in my bones and flesh. As I cried into the night after the class, I gradually moved from feeling pain for myself to feeling pain for generations of people with varied gender expressions who were shunned, and worse, by their families, groups and communities.

  • Transgender, non-binary and other gender expressions should have greater discussion in the Family and Systemic Constellations community. Bertold Ulsamer’s new book, Learning Transgender: From the Outside Looking In (2021) is one effort to explore these topics in our community, and Daan van Kampenhout writes eloquently about queerness in an essay on Returning to Membership in Earth Community: Systemic Constellations with Nature (2013).

  • These writings support us in evaluating our personal beliefs and experiences with people who do not confirm to culturally expected gender standards. As Francesca Mason Boring says: “Isn’t this what we are invited to do moment to moment, not just as facilitators but as human beings?”

  • Similarly, bring forward voices of gender non-conforming people in our community, as facilitators, trainers and those who have experienced Family and Systemic Constellations. As Josh Alexander suggests: “Share their perspectives and stories. Amplify their voices rather than only speaking for or about them.”

Finally, a postscript to the story:

During a discussion with the class instructor the following week, the instructor told me the story underneath the story – at least one of the stories. He had spoken to the woman seeking the apology the weekend after the class. During their conversation, she shared a part of her personal history. The woman grew up with two mothers, lesbians; most of her graduate school classmates knew about her family background, but the instructor did not, nor obviously, did I. During this weekend conversation, she took responsibility that she was projecting a part of her pain on to me.

Notes:

1. When trans, non-binary people, etc., are present posted by Karen Carnabucci on ConstellationTalk, April 20, 2022. Carnabucci. [constellationtalk@freelists.org]

2. Fearful Memories Passed Down to Mouse Descendants: Genetic imprint from traumatic experiences carries through at least two generations. By Ewen Callaway, Nature magazine on December 1, 2013.

REFERENCES

Carnabucci, C. & Anderson, R. (2011) Integrating Psychodrama and Systemic Constellation Work: New Directions for Action Methods, Mind-Body Therapies and Energy Healing. Jessica Kingsley Publishers, London, UK.

Schutzenberger, A., A. (1998) The Ancestor Syndrome: Transgenerational Psychotherapy and the Hidden Links in the Family Tree. Routledge, London, UK.

Ulsamer, B. (2021) Learning Transgender: From the Outside Looking In. Independently published.

Van Kampenhout, D. (2013) The Queer Breath of the Universe: Reclaiming Membership in Earth Community for Gay, Bi and Transgender Men in Returning to Membership in Earth Community: Systemic Constellations with Nature. Stream of Experience Productions, Pagosa Springs, Colorado, USA.

Karen Carnabucci, LCSW, TEP is a nationally board-certified trainer, educator and practitioner of psychodrama, sociometry and group psychotherapy and is certified in Family and Systemic Constellations by the Heinz Stark Institute and the Hellinger DC Institute. She is the co-author of Integrating Psychodrama and Systemic Constellation Work: New Directions for Action Methods, Mind-Body Therapies and Energy Healing, the co-author of Healing Eating Disorders with Psychodrama and Other Action Methods: Beyond the Sound and the Fury and the author of Show and Tell Psychodrama: Skills for Therapists, Coaches, Teachers, Leaders. She is the founder and main instructor of the Lancaster School of Psychodrama and Experiential Psychotherapies in Lancaster, Pennsylvania, USA.

realtruekaren@gmail.com
www.realtruekaren.com
www.facebook.com/lancasterpsychodrama
www.instagram.com/realtruekaren
www.tiktok.com/@realtruekaren

Advertisement

Book Review

Learning Transgender from the Outside Looking In 

By Bertold Ulsamer


Francesca Mason Boring

Learning Transgender from the Outside Looking In by Bertold Ulsamer (2021) is a timely treasure. The book is a transparent exploration of transgender and a testament to the author’s willingness to identify his limited exposure and understanding of the population and the path of those who come to constellation circles in some way impacted by this journey. The book is written with humour and humility.

From the toilet usage controversies, to the specifics on the surgical interventions, gender related vocabulary, and touching accounts from those who have undergone complete gender transformations utilising hormone therapies and operations, the writing is thoughtful and lovely. 

Bertold shares: “That which in my youth was classified in ‘male’ and ‘female’ as ‘normal’, unfolds today to a tremendous extent. It is as if a cement cover was removed from over a biotope, which is now blooming and sprouting.” 

The questions and process are honest. Ulsamer provides a very transparent examination of his own gender identity and our societal conditioning. We are invited to examine our definitions of male and female, and various nuances in the arena of coupling. 

He also shares the limitations being imposed by institutional structures to openly explore these issues, demonstrated in part by the prohibition by one university to research persons who had reversed their transgender surgery – fearing that the research might be deemed politically incorrect and reflect negatively on the programme.

The aggression involved in some conversations is explored, a campus controversy in 2016 which condemned academic recognition of a short poem written in 1951 in which the writer exhales the quiet joy in admiring women and flowers, was roundly criticised as fuelling the patriarchy. 

Further reading invites us to consider, where would the Song of Solomon land in that discussion? 

Your lips are like a scarlet thread,
And your mouth is lovely.
Your cheeks are like halves of a pomegranate behind your veil.
Your two breasts are like two fawns, twins of a gazelle that graze among the lilies.
Until the day breathes and the shadows flee, I will go away to the mountains of myrrh and the hill of frankincense. 
Your neck is like the tower of David, built in rows of stone; on it hang a thousand shields, all of them shields of warriors. 

This is a needed conversation for facilitators of family constellations. Family systems constellation offers tools for couples’ relationships, regardless of gender or identity. The balance of give and take, and not being burdened or crippled in love by systemic pressures or loyalties is a benefit for any who are pulled together by love. Having enough of a fundamental understanding of varied relationships and life paths ever expands our capacity as facilitators to ‘see’ the client and the issues. This book invites us to explore, to become informed, and to be open about our limitations of understanding.

As a facilitator and teacher of Family & Systems Constellation Bertold does not present the text as empirical, but rather it is his personal journey examining his own beliefs and biases – committing time and effort to expand his understanding and empathy. His summary (just a small portion of it):

“At the beginning, I felt a longing for more clarity regarding transgender.

Am I clearer now?

Yes and no.

I still do not ‘grasp’ transgender. It has remained mysterious. But it is through reading the biographies of trans people that I have encountered the mysterious more. My horizons and understanding have broadened.” 

There is so much more I could say about this book, but my impulse is rather to simply encourage you to read it.

My personal appreciation of the book came from its invitation to evaluate my own beliefs and experiences. Isn’t this what we are invited to do moment to moment, not just as facilitators but as human beings? All My Relations.

Francesca Mason Boring is a bi-cultural international facilitator and trainer of Family Constellation. In addition to being an advocate for the growth of family systems constellation, Francesca has contributed to the development of nature constellations, community constellations, and the incorporation of ritual and ceremony in the field of systems constellation. Francesca has included the concept of the Universal Indigenous Field when teaching and speaking about the knowing field and the phenomenological approach in constellation work. 

A Western Shoshone, (an indigenous tribe in the United States), Francesca has authored: Family Systems Constellations, In the Company of Good People, (2018), Family Systems Constellations and Other Systems Constellation Adventures: A transformational journey, (2015) Co-Edited with Ken Sloan: Returning to Membership in Earth Community: Systemic Constellations with Nature (2013), is author of Connecting to Our Ancestral Past: Healing through Family Constellation, Ceremony & Ritual (2012), and Feather Medicine, Walking in Shoshone Dreamtime: A Family System Constellation, (2016, 2004). Francesca has presented at numerous conferences internationally and has served as faculty for Intensives in the United States, Mexico, Australia, and Germany. 

Francesca@allmyrelationsconstellations.com 
www.allmyrelationsconstellations.com

Book Extracts

An Excerpt From: Connected Fates, Separate Destinies

Marine Sélénée


Chapter 5: YES, YES, YES

The foundation of a good relationship requires more than just awareness and resolution of unresolved family system issues, though. Yes, doing so enables us to show up for our relationships right here, right now, without subjecting them to the burdens of the past. But once we’re here, unburdened, what do we do? We say yes. 

Saying yes is hard. Saying yes is consenting to reality. Saying yes means engaging in enlightened love. Saying yes does not mean approval or endorsement—but it can feel that way, causing us to resist. When we say yes, we are saying, “Yes, this is real life. I can control myself, but I cannot control another person.” 

A good relationship requires that we say yes three times. First, you must say yes to your partner exactly as he or she is, without wanting to change them. This means saying, with 100 percent authenticity, “I say yes to you.” It means saying yes to your partner’s past: their past partners, their experience of their sexuality, their mistakes, their history. Our partners are not projects; they are not fixer-uppers. We can hope they will change and grow as they experience life, just as we would hope for ourselves, but that is different than hoping they will change in a specific way that you find more pleasing, more palatable, or better suited to your vision of your future. If your partner has spent their twenties rootless, tells you they love to travel and that they do not foresee ever wanting children, you cannot decide that you will change their mind and they’ll settle down after marriage. If your partner has never left their hometown and tells you they want to stay close to their family, you cannot decide that you will persuade them to move across the country to the city you prefer. If your partner is unambitious, too ambitious, a workaholic, emotionally avoidant, needy, allergic to cats, messy, a clean freak, whatever—this is who they are. They may choose to go to therapy or alter their lifestyle or have an epiphany, but this is not something you get to initiate, control, or count on.

Second, you must say yes to your partner’s family, exactly as it is. This one is tricky. It’s obviously a problem when your partner is close with their family but you don’t like them. How many times have I heard, “Marine, I love my husband, but I hate his family.” (There is usually a difficult mother-in-law relationship lurking in there.) This is impossible. Your partner is a product of their family system. When you reject the family, you reject your partner. Your partner likely still shares, to some degree, the values and beliefs of their family of origin. If your partner rejects their family, however, this does not mean you should reject their family (again, in doing so, you reject your partner.) This is where it gets especially tricky, because it is also never your place to try to force your partner to reconcile with their family. This one can be hard for those of us who are close to our families. We think, But they would be happier if they were at peace with their father, or How could someone really not want a close bond with their mother? We see ourselves as the hero who will fix their story and restore order to their system. But that is not our role. Saying yes to your partner’s family exactly as it is means saying yes to your partner’s relationship to his or her family. 

Third, and finally, you must say yes to your own destiny and to the destiny of your partner. This is easier to do when you have said yes with clear eyes to your partner as they are and to your partner’s family as it is. When you have done so, you are grounded in reality. Your vision is unclouded and the path ahead becomes sharper. And sometimes, as painful as it may be, saying yes to your destiny and to your partner’s destiny means acknowledging that your paths are diverging. Your destinies are moving away from each other. 

I see so many of my clients in pain because they are holding on to a relationship that no longer serves them or their partner. The reasons for doing so are, as ever, deeply individual, but also universal: fear of being alone, the sunk cost fallacy, shared children, inability to withstand conflict, and so on. But when we stay in a relationship that no longer serves our destinies, we stop having agency in our own lives. We perpetuate dysfunctional dynamics and set ourselves up for failure. Sometimes, nurturing a “good” relationship means knowing when to end it, and how: with respect and love.

Remember, I did say that saying yes is hard. Ending a relationship, even a very bad one, with respect and love is a way of saying yes. It does not mean agreeing to the ways in which the relationship was painful or how your partner may have hurt you (or how you may have hurt them). Respect means respecting your shared story. It means taking responsibility for your part in your relationship and acknowledging that through that relationship you have arrived where you are now—acknowledging all you have learned, all that you take away from the relationship. When we end a relationship with respect, we accept reality, and we accept what is beyond our power to control: other people. 

Love means enlightened love. Remember, when love is enlightened, we see people for who they are, without judgment; we are able to acknowledge not only their flaws but also what they have given us. When we end a relationship with love, we don’t engage in berating our former partners (or ourselves) or living in our anger perpetually. 

The more we reject our former partners, the more we reject ourselves. We reject that earlier version of ourselves, who sought out that love for whatever reason. We reject our vulnerability; we reject our mistakes; we reject our own history and what it has to offer us. It isn’t unlike your dynamic with your parents: The more you can accept and respect your parents, the better able you are to accept and respect yourself. With relationships, the more you can respect your past—the more you respect priority, what came first—not only will you be better grounded in the present moment, but you will be better able to choose a partner who respects and accepts you, and better able to accept and respect your next partner. 

I have had clients who feel that they treated their former partner with respect and love in ending a relationship, but who still nurse deep-seated anger toward them. Look, this just isn’t possible—you can’t have ended things with respect and love but still feel red-hot rage about it. You might have gone through the motions of respect and love; your outward behavior may have been spotless. But when we are still deeply angry with a former partner, we are still de facto entangled in that relationship, which means it did not end properly. And when we are still entangled in a previous relationship, there is no way to be truly, 100 percent available to our current partner or open to a next partner. On the other side of the spectrum, I also have clients who claim to feel nothing toward their former partners. This is also bullshit, sorry. We are made of feelings. When we “feel nothing,” we are engaging in a coping mechanism to protect ourselves from pain. When you end a relationship with respect and love, you don’t feel nothing—you feel at peace. At peace with what was, at peace with your choices, at peace with your partner. Here’s the thing: A relationship might technically end after a breakup, but it may live on within us for quite some time. After all, a relationship is separate from the people who entered it. The relationship is what you created between you. It doesn’t just disappear when a person exits your life or take on a new role in your life (as with a co-parent). Ultimately, ending a relationship with respect and love is about ending it within yourself. Yes, you should do your best to end things with love and respect in the moment, but none of us can fast-forward our way to peace. You make room for it by allowing yourself to mourn, by accepting what is, and by extending that enlightened love first toward yourself. And remember, your ability to choose respect and love isn’t contingent upon your ex-partner’s behavior. Many of us have experienced ex-partners who are neither respectful nor loving, who seem to live to make us miserable after we part ways. When that is the case: boundaries, boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. No one else gets to control how you feel. 

I see both situations—unresolved anger or an absence of emotion—primarily after relationships that were particularly painful, such as when cheating was involved, or that were, horribly, emotionally or physically abusive. I will never pretend that coming away from a relationship like this with love and respect is easy. It may take a long time to get there. That’s okay. I’ve been there. And it’s understandable to say, “Why should I want to?” In Connected Fates, Separate Destinies the next chapter, we’ll dig deep about consenting to reality—saying yes—after trauma. 

For now, this is what I want you to hold on to: When you end a relationship with love and respect, as we discussed it, you are saying yes to your destiny—you are choosing yourself. The problem in so many relationships is that we choose our partners instead; we put them first. This is disorder, quite literally. You come first in your own system. Make yourself happy first, and then you can share that happiness with a partner. Instead, what happens 90 percent of the time is something much more transactional—we put our partners first, with the hope that in making them happy, they will make us happy. I will see you, so you will see me. I’m going to love you, so you will love me. This is not love. This is co-dependency. 

You have to feel secure in your love for yourself first. You have to feel safe with yourself before you ask a partner to make you feel safe. The problem is, when we shift that responsibility to our partner, we alienate ourselves from knowing and understanding our own boundaries. Not to mention we are bound to be disappointed. Our ways of feeling safe and secure in a relationship are likely to be different from our partner’s, as we grew up in different homes with different expressions of love. Their way of expressing love may feel foreign to us and thus unsatisfying; the goal is to arrive at a mutual understanding of what the other needs and meet them there. When only one particular expression of love is acceptable, when we demand adherence to our norm rather than open ourselves to what is, the relationship becomes fragile. Our wounded inner child, who wasn’t fulfilled by the love their parent had to offer (but which was the only right love for them, as it was the only love there was), has taken the wheel. This is where accepting our parents and saying yes to what is comes back into play: When we have done so, when we work to heal the wounds our inner child has sustained, we learn how to be safe with ourselves. We learn how to create healthy boundaries. We love ourselves first. We choose ourselves first. 

If you don’t feel safe and secure with yourself, you may disregard the early signs of an abusive relationship. These often reveal themselves quickly, though in small ways at first, which can be easy to miss or acquiesce to. Your partner might insult you: “Wow, you didn’t know X? How stupid.” How you react hinges on that sense of self. A person who feels secure and safe with themselves might respond, “Listen, maybe you think it was stupid, but I would ask you to respect me,” because they have that self-confidence to know that No, I am not stupid, I just did not understand something. This is self-love. They are saying to themselves and to their partner, Hold on a minute here! That’s my life. I respect my life. And that’s exactly what I ask of you in return: to respect my life. When we answer instead, “Oh my god, I am so stupid; I’m sorry,” we are not choosing ourselves; we are choosing our partner and our partner’s ‘safety’ first. 

My first husband completely swept me off my feet when I was young, dumb, and vulnerable. Our two-month courtship was a blur of intense sex, declarations of undying passion, and the feeling that someone was madly in love with me, quite literally— there was a madness, an insanity, an unbalanced, unstable nature to my husband’s “love,” which was more like an obsession. Within months of our impulsive Las Vegas wedding, his controlling, domineering, and jealous behaviors had blossomed into full-fledged violence. Though all the signs were right there at the beginning— red flag after red flag—I was blinded by my much greater need to feel seen and desired, which the relationship provided to a degree I had never experienced before. My self-worth had been utterly crushed under the bootheel of my father’s rejection earlier that year. And, to be honest, my father had always been distant, an enigma even as I had lived side by side with him for the previous 22 years. When it came to my new husband, at first I didn’t even question his love. I didn’t think his behaviors were weird or that I was in danger. I constantly chose him first, so that he would choose me. I wasn’t safe or secure with myself. 

My husband had his own unresolved issues to contend with, I understand now. He was the middle child of three sons, and his younger brother—whom he loved fiercely—was severely disabled and died at the age of 12. Despite how much he loved his brother he was also jealous and resentful of him while growing up. He was incredibly angry with his mother, who’d had to devote a large part of her life to caring for his little brother and was then undone by grief when he died. He once told me a story about how he’d had to be hospitalized after an accident in his childhood. While he was sleeping, his mother had to leave the hospital briefly to go back home and care for his little brother. She slipped off the bracelet she always wore and left it, with a note telling him she loved him and she would be back soon, on his bed, so he would see it first thing when he woke up. When he told me this story, I felt so sad for his mother. I thought about how difficult it must have been to leave her son in the hospital, how torn she must have felt, how guilty. But my husband saw it as an unforgivable betrayal, even all those years later. “Who leaves their child alone in a hospital?” he said. “What kind of mother was she?” 

Deep down, my husband believed all women would betray him, would leave him, like his mother had. He was a jealous person who wanted to be left so that he could prove he was right in his rejection of his mother—and by extension, all women. A few years after we divorced, he attempted to apologize. “I can see now that you were everything that I was looking for, but I was afraid,” he said. “You were not afraid,” I answered. “Your little boy was afraid—but the situation was between you and your mother and not between you and me.” 

I tell you all of this not to excuse my husband—there is no excuse and never will be for what he did—or to imply that you should feel sorry for him. I don’t. He is an adult and responsible for his actions. But developing an understanding of what drove us both has helped me to say yes to that relationship. It has removed the shame I felt for staying with him. It has helped me let go of anger, to finally, finally end the relationship with love and respect. Respect for my story and enlightened love for what I took from it. We were two broken people whose unresolved family system issues complemented each other perfectly, perpetuating a cycle of loneliness and rage. Saying yes has helped me to choose myself first going forward, and to feel safe and secure with myself.

Even if you’ve never been in an abusive relationship, almost all of us have been in relationships that have had issues, from minor to serious. All relationships have issues at times. But regardless of the quality of the relationship, or the nature of our partner, there is a constant: We must say yes to it. At its most basic, this means simply accepting that you did, in fact, choose to enter into the relationship—it didn’t just happen to you. We are always responsible for our participation in the relationship. In a relatively “healthy” relationship, this means accepting that you played or play some part in its dysfunctional elements or friction points. In a damaging or toxic relationship, this means acknowledging how the relationship served you initially, even if that is difficult to confront. Doing so does not mean that you deserved the treatment. Doing so does not mean that you approve of what happened to you. Doing so does not excuse the other person’s behavior. It simply means that you are acknowledging the full picture so that you are better equipped to choose yourself in the future. 

You are responsible for your life. You are not responsible for what happened to you in childhood. But in adulthood you do get to choose, to a large degree, what you want for yourself, including your relationships. You may have lacked self-awareness, you may have been entangled, you may have been unconsciously trying to heal old wounds, but your choices were still your own. However uncomfortable it makes you, it’s a truth you must accept. When we avoid the truth of our responsibility for ourselves, we miss out on what our relationships have to teach us about ourselves: what we really need, what we will and won’t accept. We miss out on better understanding our motivations—and avoiding self-sabotaging behaviors. You can’t learn from your relationship when you insist that you played no part in it. After all, what is there to learn about yourself when you did nothing? When we avoid the truth of our responsibility for ourselves, we aren’t able to say yes to our destiny—to choose ourselves—because we haven’t said yes to reality. The more practice we have at choosing ourselves, however, the more safe and secure we feel in ourselves, and the more likely we are to find and sustain the great love we deserve.

AFFIRMATIONS 

I say yes to my partner exactly as he or she is. I say yes to my partner’s family exactly as they are. I say yes to my destiny and to the destiny of my partner, even if our paths diverge. 

EXERCISE: Respecting Your Shared Story

I really hate the phrase “Everything happens for a reason.” Bad things happen all the time, without reason, and there is often nothing that can lessen the pain of the bad thing. That said, I do believe that every experience, no matter how painful, offers us the opportunity (at some point) to learn: learn about ourselves, about others, about what it means to be human. What we learn shapes us. Relationships are some of the richest sources for this kind of learning. That’s why I write that respecting the story of your relationship (a story you share with your relationship partner) means acknowledging that through that relationship you have arrived where you are now, acknowledging all you have learned, all that you take away from the relationship. But where do you start? That’s what this exercise is all about: giving you a focused, rather than comprehensive, way to think about what your relationships have to teach you about yourself. It’s meant to be a catalyst for a longer, ongoing conversation. I encourage you to approach the exercise from a broad perspective, thinking about the history of your relationships overall, rather than one relationship in particular. After all, how does the saying go? Meet one asshole today and you’ve met an asshole. Meet three assholes today and you’re the asshole. Patterns, patterns, patterns—it’s the Family Constellations way. Remember the Relationship Inventory you just did? (Of course you do.) Grab it. Awesome. We are going to use the work you did there and turn it on yourself. As you work through this exercise, take the time to write down your responses without belaboring them. Again, go into as much depth or detail as you’d like or need—you may be surprised at what comes to you once you start writing. First, I want you to review your answers to the question “When you started the relationship, what were your expectations of it?” Do you see any repeating themes here? What are they? Our expectations for our relationship can reveal to us what we believe relationships are for, what purpose they serve: the why behind the expectation. Once we’ve uncovered those beliefs, we can assess whether or not they’re actually in alignment with our values. Look back at your answers to the question “What was most difficult in the relationship? In other words, what were the greatest sources of conflict that arose between the two of you?” Did you experience similar conflicts with more than one partner? What are they? The same conflict repeating with different partners can shine a light on our own weak spots, such as in our communication style or in our attachment style. Next, look over your answers to the question “What did you feel was most lacking? In other words, what did you feel was missing between the two of you?” What we feel is missing in a relationship—physical intimacy, emotional intimacy, romance, etc.—can point us to how we experience love (what feels like love to us, rather than what we tell ourselves love is). If there is a repeating theme here, it can illuminate that we may be on a search for the kind of love we imagine is the real “only right love,” the love we feel our parents should have given us in childhood. Practicing facing the less palatable parts of yourself without judgment is an act of bravery and an exercise in saying yes to yourself and your destiny. Taking an opportunity to learn is also taking an opportunity to grow. In acknowledging and accepting any schisms between our beliefs and our actions, we are empowered to close those gaps and be in integrity with ourselves.

Editor’s Note:

As this is an extract from an already published book, American spellings and writing style have been retained. 

The book can be ordered on Amazon.

Marine Sélénée is a Miami based Family Constellations therapist, author, and speaker. She offers in-person and virtual private sessions and workshops. She also speaks on panel discussions and at conferences delivering motivational speeches. Since 2019 she’s partnered with Goop Health as an expert and in 2020 she joined Hay House where her book was published in October 2021, Connected Fates, Separate Destinies: Using Family Constellations Therapy to recover from inherited Stories and trauma. Her unique approach to Family Constellations helps people heal from family wounds and find individual blocks rooted in the family system. Her clients are able to get to the root of their pain, in order to not only heal themselves, but the generations before and after them. Her greatest passion is sharing the transformative power of Family Constellations.

marine@marineselenee.com
https://www.marineselenee.com
https://marine-selenee-s-school.teachable.com/p/familyconstellationstraining

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Poets’ Corner

Impotency and hope

War is too big a monster, 
stinging deep suffering, 
as in Gaza and Israel. 
Wounds, raising hate, 
indignant at its roots, 
justifying moral and just vengeance.

It cannot be settled, 
through millenniums 
over endless wars,
in spite of blessing by
Jacob’s Angel and
(common ancestor.)

While a baby cries in impotence, 
as it is left in silent company 
of nine family members, dead.
Or despair, 
as the sound of falling missile, 
spared one home this time, 
and civilians become statistics.

War, justified by both sides, 
through ethical rationalizations, 
in good moral conscience.
UN declarations, 
rituals, 
healing therapies 
only drops of hope
in a deep ocean 
of pain. 

Such misery cannot be contained, 
still, we know 
that each mother, 
wife and brother, 
holds it in their bleeding hearts. 
Can we touch compassion, 
beyond reasonable siding? 
I cannot feel the wound, 
the fear, the horror, 
but in empathy’s challenge 
when my heart is called to weep 
and I cannot contain it. 

Impotency, 
oh, such impotency 
inadequate to haul others forward, 
even as they are moved 
by open compassionate hearts, 
seeking to breach the energy, in uplifting, 
hoping to hoist and raise it, 
that it might heal, 
and perhaps bolster 
a bit 
towards peace
Is it hubris 
pretending we can affect the war monster 
or even relieve suffering? 

We cannot control destiny’s grip, 
but perhaps surrendering,
when somehow … 
we come to trust bigger Hands, 
and relinquish ego to the heart.

Yes, somehow, 
pain may touch 
scarce bits of love 
in our hearts, 
as I, 
barren in impotency, 
can hold empathy, 
weeping for the offsprings, 
oh God, 
for the innocent children.

Rafael Ruiz Mandal
amdal11@hotmail.com

The Face of God
The veil between us now
Is so thin
Even melting
Makes little sense
Holding The Gaze
Together in this way
Makes us humble enough
To see
The Face of God
If not now when
If not you who
Honestly The Face
Is always there
We are all just learning
How to see it.

Because I Love I Fly
I am involved
Because I love
And because I love
I fly
I love most
When oxygen is scarce
High up
Where I’m learning
To love clouds
As my sisters
And finding a place
From which to sing

God willing
I shall be back
This way again
But should it happen
That I’m not
Know
When you look up
You’ll see my sisters
Circling the moon
And hear my song
Coming up
From the apple orchard

One Knee on The Ground

Only by approaching
A moment with reverence
Can I hope to be found
By its edge
Evading all attempts
At ownership
The dance
Does not limit
Its invitation
Nor the song
Determine how
It should be received

No
The yield
Is always a communion
That requires
At least one knee
On the ground.

(For Stephan Hausner)

Angus Landman
anguslandman@me.com

In the Service of Life  

About Being a Representative

I was ‘repping’ for a constellation a few weeks ago 
Something which I have done quite often although, 
This one really hit me right in my core,
And was different than all the experiences I have had before.
It was so intense, so eruptive,
Almost unbearable and yet, so seductive.
Such a cruel abuse of a child, isolated, tortured and restrained,
Reaching the brink of death in a very cold winter land.

Was I representing then? Or am I still “detained”?
When does it start and how does it end? 
Was I hijacked? Or was I free to choose? 
Was I summoned? And could I have refused?

Within the field, something is interwoven; unseen strings interlace…
Something starts luring me in, onto the floor, in the middle of the space… 
Yet the strongest impulse is to hold back;
“Be quiet”, my inner voice says. Let others lead…
You are not obliged; Don’t have to heed.
But my body surrenders and stands up by its own, 
As if being pulled by unseen forces into a zone. 
And maybe it’s not the body at all; Maybe it’s consciousness; 
Maybe it’s compassion?
None of this makes any sense 
in the immediate context of this action.

After all, I can pass through a field, minding my own business,
Not merging, not attuning to what is emerging,
And then this moment arrives, 
When all my antennas are pulled out
And I become a probing device; 
Detecting and Unveiling with sensory perception,
A ghost like memory that seeks resurrection.

And I cannot but wonder;
What is the relationship between the observed and the beholder?
How does this hidden dynamic appear? 
Is it somehow echoed in me? 
And does it ever really disappear?
Where has this information been stored, 
Before my attention turned it into a phenomenon impossible to be ignored?
Etched in the field of shared consciousness,
How does it turn through my perception, 
Into such a complex embodied expression, 
Of love and fear, hope and despair, submission and aggression?
And the moment something that strong appears in the field,
Doesn’t that necessarily narrow down other options that could have been revealed?

Not that I really had a choice or that I could decide, 
For the connection between me and “it” could not be denied. 
And yet, I feel myself responsible,
On the one hand for the character I represent,
And on the other, for the participant who’s holding the intent. 
For some moments I ponder; do I have any control and can I quit?
I howled, cried, and growled like a wounded beast.
Then it felt suddenly so primal,
My nervous system Involuntarily, 
Wired itself for survival. 

I was taking quick, short breaths, 
Shivering all over and feeling myself freezing to death.
And at a certain moment of total despair and gloom,
I had the strongest urge to get up and leave the room, 
Go to the nearest bar and drink myself into a stupor,
Until all my feelings fade away,
And I have neither a sense of the present nor of the future.
This felt so bizarre;
To sense how alcohol eases the scar.

All the while, I felt as a victim, 
Abused by an oppressor, 
While most of those around me, 
Perceived me as the aggressor.
They were afraid to come near,
Which fostered more and more frustration, desperation, anger and fear.
I felt that I was dying and nobody cared.
I was so tired of fighting
And was getting prepared…
Suddenly, a warm hand touched my back; 
It was an act of love which saved me from doom. 
It revived me, sustained me and invited life to resume.

The session concluded and I left the room. 
The experience though lingered, and I stayed attuned.
I soon found my thoughts wandering in many directions,
Engaging in probing inquiries and fascinating reflections.
On the one hand, it absolutely makes sense,
To expect that such an experience would scare me,
At least for a bit…
However, what unfolded was in fact, the opposite.
Maybe because this trance-like immersion; 
This deep sense of no-separation;
Is what I most long for and what brings me consolation. 

And it’s possible that this happens to me randomly all the time,
That I become entangled with the collective field,
Kidnapped in service of what is asking to be healed,
And since I haven’t known till recently, to give it its proper attention or space,
It used to affect my body in all sorts of ways.
And my doctor was saying that he never heard of such strange symptoms before,
And that he was not trained to think outside the box, nor to explore.

So maybe this opportunity to delve into such a shamanic state,
Within a contained environment
And a facilitator who can skillfully navigate, 
Is a great relief in fact.
To surrender without getting overwhelmed or lost, 
Letting go of fear and letting be the host,
I may temporarily be lost to myself, 
While feeling fully alive for someone else,
But then
I am found again, 
And there is enough space for me as well as for the other,
Which absolutely liberates me and makes me a true lover.

I really cannot stop ruminating about the nature of humanity
with all its splendor and its brutality
And yes, “we’ve got to find a way
to bring some lovin’ here today”,
But isn’t the act of a constellation,
A Symmetry of Love’s perfect interpretation?
This brings much hope and inspiration.

Still more thoughts are floating around
Taking into account
People with sensory modulation disorder
And might it be because of their interaction 
with this overwhelming field of data, that has no border?
About the CIA’s famous espionage program
That trained people in extra sensory perception (ESP)
And how is it similar or different, than a representation?
On the possibility of expanding the range
To represent pleasant experiences, for a change.
I also suddenly think of David Bohm
How more than 20 years ago, all by my own
I flipped through the text 
of Wholeness & The Implicate Order 
My mind was so perplexed, 
But my soul, deeply relaxed.
Bohm spoke about the relationship of thinking to reality and asked:
“What could it mean for one part of reality to ‘know’ another, and to what extent would this be possible? Could a thought somehow grasp the very essence of the living movement that we sense in actual experience?” 
Then he went further to discuss a new notion of order he called the “Implicate” or “Enfolded” order, where space and time are no longer the dominant factors determining the relationships of dependence or independence of different elements…
Isn’t that the elegance of Systemic Constellation intelligence?

Simply the Knowing Field has no limits
A multi-dimensional field of infinite possibilities
Wow! It’s a lot. 
So thank you Bert Hellinger
And all his successors, 
As well as the art of Phenomenology
With all of its unexpected yet welcomed gestures.

“Phenomenology is a philosophical method. For me it means letting myself be open to additional systems and connections, without having to understand them. I accept them with no desire to help or prove anything. I give of myself without fear or apprehension of what might arise, and the terrible things that come up do not scare me. I’m facing what’s coming up, just as it is.”  – Bert Hellinger

Michal Golan
Michalgolan99@gmail.com


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Initially founded as the Systemic Solutions Bulletin by Barbara Stones and Jutta ten Herkel, the Knowing Field is currently the only international English-language journal available on Constellation work. In each issue, you will find articles representing a broad spectrum of how Constellation work is moving throughout the world. Articles are published from long time leaders in the field as well as newcomers. From deep philosophical and scientific discussions, to practical tips and techniques, to soul stirring stories of healing breakthroughs, you will enter a radically inclusive space that helps shine a light on the professional practice of Constellation work as well as the mysteries that continue to surprise, confound and humble all involved in this work. 

As you read through this journal, you will see there is something of interest for everyone involved with constellations. Many facilitators and trainers of this work, some of whom are quite isolated geographically, find the journal a great source of nourishment and education. We hope you do too.

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All names of clients and incidental details have been changed to respect confidentiality. The views expressed by the writers are their own and do not necessarily reflect those of the editorial team or their advisors. Where possible, gender definitions are specified, but where doing so would render the style clumsy, the male gender has been used to cover both genders unless otherwise dictated by the context.

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Barbara Morgan

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